Politics

BORIS Johnson is – supposedly – the prime minister. But is the entire thing just a hoax played on a guillible country? These are the clues.

THE government has signalled that Britain could face another four weeks of lockdown, and Priti Patel could face a further 40 after that.

PRITI Patel’s constant smirk and the ongoing national crisis aren’t generally thought to go well together. Here are some ways for the home secretary to try to look more sincere.

BRITONS are nervously awaiting the all-clear from the prime minister’s doctors so that they can think he is a dick again. 

FOREIGN secretary Dominic Raab is officially in charge of the country, but his powers are limited. What can and can’t he do?

AS acting leader of Britain, I’m in a state of near-constant shock about what I didn’t know about it. Here’s a few things I learned just yesterday.

YEAH. Thanks for electing me leader and everything, but is it okay if I’ve changed my mind? Because if I’m honest I want f**k all to do with this mess.

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way. 

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed.

THE prime minister has thanked Britain for clapping to show they do not blame him in the slightest for the current crisis.