THE Daily Mail has decided that not returning to your Covid-infested office makes you a filthy traitor who hates Britain. Columnist Susan Traherne explains why: 

You’re not buying sandwiches

Britain’s superb Tory-led economy is only 80 per cent dependent on service industry things like limp tuna sandwiches from Pret. By not gloomily gnawing at a sandwich at your desk you are destroying our national wealth as effectively as blowing up an Airbus factory.

Cowardice

You people make me sick with your reluctance to catch a potentially fatal disease. You’d have been shot at dawn during World War One, and rightly so. I work from home but that’s different because I am a columnist with important articles to write about having to buy porcini mushrooms online now.

You’re just sitting on the sofa masturbating, aren’t you?

I know what you’re up to. You may be claiming to be working but you’re just lounging around watching internet porn and racking up levels on Candy Crush Saga. As a hopelessly out-of-touch Daily Mail writer, this is the only computer game I can think of.

You’re ruining the kiddies’ futures

Those poor little mites! Once a daddy went out to work and a mummy went shopping every day, like heroes. Now your kids are growing up to believe everyone cowers at home like terrified mice scared of a murderous cat. Grow spines and testicles while I check the fridge for some more sauv.

Some alt-right nonsense

The Marxist university lecturers are taking over and thank God decent, family-oriented leaders like Boris Johnson aren’t putting us in Gulags and… Right. My word count says that’ll do.