THE Conservative party is once again riotously corrupt, but which sleaze is your MP indulging in for their own enrichment? Find out:
Denys Finch Hatton, member for Torbay
“I’m very much a traditionalist so I’m simply taking bribes. We call them consultancies, with five-figure sums for three hours’ work a month, but they’re honestly cash bribes. My constituents know and 68 per cent of them approve. It’s a very blue seat.”
Stephen Malley, member for Derbyshire North East
“I didn’t get into politics for the money. For me it was because I liked shagging, and growing up in the 90s I saw ugly MPs getting it more than ugly rockstars. I’m knocking off my secretary, two spads, a lobbyist for a US arms firm, six constituents and Baroness Aspodel of Stone.”
Helen Archer, member for Ribble South
“I’m part of the cash-for-lordships team: collecting donations, handing our peerages, dealing with investitures. It’s so rewarding, seeing a man who’s run a pound-shop empire enter the upper house. But, as I explained to Tim Martin this morning, the price isn’t £3m. It’s gone up.”
Susan Traherne, member for Winchester
“I’m in the pay of a foreign power! It’s great. Russian agents approached me when I got elected in 2010 and, with a perfectly judged combination of blackmail and bribery, got me onto their side. I push their interests and sell them secrets. Moral qualms? No.”
Julian Cook, member for Hertsmere
“I’m secretly gay, so it’s all inappropriate relationships with my staff, payments to young men at escort agencies and complimentary stays in German ski lodges for me. As a gay colleague pointed out I could do all that openly now, but then it wouldn’t be sleaze, would it?”
Oliver O’Connor, member for Blackpoool South
“You bastards. Here I am a new Red Wall MP keeping clean for the good of the party, and you’re all head-down in the f**king trough. That’s it, I’m appointing my dog to a £58k per year secretarial position and resuming my coke habit.”
