'Was it the sleaze, the lies, the Christmas parties or all three?' voters asked

THE Conservatives have asked the people of North Shropshire to specify which horrendous f**k-up made them vote for the Lib Dems.

Conservative candidate Neil Shastri-Hurst, who lost the safe seat for the first time in nearly 200 years, has been attempting to achieve closure by asking voters which of his party’s many catastrophic errors put them off.

He said: “It’s the not knowing which makes this defeat even harder to endure. Was it Owen Paterson’s lobbying that left you cold? Or was it how we tried to block his immediate suspension and change the policing of MP’s standards?

“Perhaps it was how we partied during last year’s Christmas lockdown while you couldn’t visit your dying relatives one last time that made you turn your back on us. I feel like I’m grasping at straws with that one though so please, just tell me.

“I suppose there’s an outside chance our blatant xenophobia, hostility towards migrants and inherent corruption might have repulsed you, although those things don’t appear to have been an issue in the past.

“If you could get back to me, even a text would do, then I can make empty promises about how we can change.”

North Shropshire resident Wayne Hayes said: “I thought it would be obvious. I don’t like Boris, but I don’t like Starmer even more.”

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The six secret health benefits of a jolly good wank

DID you grow up being told masturbation was a shameful, dirty, Godless habit? Here are six health-boosting reasons to tug away with gay abandon.

It’s a workout for your prostate

Every man should look after their prostate gland, and the best way to keep it in tip-top condition is regular use. Syphoning the python at least twice a week will ensure a long and happy life. Doctors might tell you this is bullshit, but they’re in the pay of big pharma with their actual medicine that works.

It increases your heart rate

A healthy heart is a happy heart, so what better way to get the blood pumping than a quick but energetic jerk-off? Well, jogging or going to the gym, but you won’t have an orgasm and it’s not a good idea to try when there are others waiting to use the rowing machine.

It reduces horniness

There’s nothing more likely to get you beaten up than going to the pub while horny and accidentally staring lustily at an attractive woman then getting battered by her boyfriend. Look after your health by getting it out of your system – literally – before leaving the house. If you forget, knock one out in the pub toilets.

It’ll stop you texting your ex while drunk at 3am

One of the worst things for your mental health is to wake up hungover and remember that pathetic message you sent begging your ex to pop over in the early hours because you wanted sex. The emotionally intelligent guy will give the monkey a damn good spanking before opening that first can of lager.

It helps you lose weight

Yes, a wank burns off a whole five calories. Admittedly that’s not many, so you’ll have to really go at it for any noticeable weight loss, at least 100 wanks a day. This may lead to a trip to A&E with friction burns, but it’s only because you care about your BMI.

It’ll never, ever result in having children

Having a baby is singularly the worst thing you can do for your physical mental health. All those months of sleepless nights and years sitting through monotonous nativity plays just isn’t worth it for the sake of one shag. Love and nurture a box of Kleenex instead.

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