RISHI Sunak has asserted that his last five years in government, covering his time as chancellor and prime minister, do not count because his fingers were crossed. 

The Conservative leader until July 5th maintained that, since he had cross kings the entire time, the electorate cannot judge him on his previous record and must take all his promises at face value.

He continued: “I promised there would be flights to Rwanda. At no time did I state ‘Simon says there will be flights to Rwanda.’

“Therefore I am legally entitled to a do-over. We mean everything we say as of… now. Oh, was Jonathan Gullis still talking? Okay… now.

“All previous electoral promises, like that nonsense about national service, are annulled and bringing them up is childish and beneath contempt. All future promises are serious, sober and made by a politician you could vote for.

“I am the only person who can fix the mess Britain is in, which was caused by persons unknown it is frowned upon to refer to. You’re lucky I’m here now, a young, exciting leader with an unblemished record. I mean it this time. Look at my hands.”

Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “I voted for Boris with my fingers crossed. Also it was a joke.”