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The unemployed Brexiter's guide to new job opportunities

RESTRICTIONS on migrant workers could free up jobs for unemployed Leave voters. Here are some of the exciting opportunities on offer.  

Fruit picking 

One of the best jobs out there. ITV’s The Darling Buds of May was a 100 per cent factually accurate account of fruit-picking life, so you’ll soon be getting a healthy tan in a rural idyll and romancing Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yet another great reason for voting for Brexit.

Builder 

Once all your muscles have adapted to carrying extremely heavy objects up ladders and crouching down uncomfortably a lot, you’ll be able to enjoy the vibrant social life ‘on site’, ie. grimly repetitive conversations about football and banter with passing women who will then call the police.

Deliveroo rider 

Cruising effortlessly on your ‘chopper’ with the wind in your hair, you’ll experience the same sense of freedom as Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Sure, it’s a bit colder than the southern United States, but who cares with a massive box of piping-hot pizzas strapped to your back? 

Doctor 

Many overseas doctors are currently looking at xenophobic Britain and saying ‘stuff this’. Which is a great opportunity for Brexiters with five years of degree-level education and even more years of specialist training to start coining it in. What are you waiting for? Get your CV sent off NOW!

Bus driver 

A wonderful job for ‘chunky’ people who like sitting down. However bear in mind British bus drivers are expected to be relentlessly cheerful, so if you haven’t got the bubbly, vivacious personality needed for this role, don’t bother to apply. 

How to change – or at least break – your romantic partner

CHANCES are the person you’ve chosen to be with isn’t as perfect as you. Here’s our guide to reworking them or, failing that, making them buckle to your will. 

Communicate every irritation 

Relationships rely on communication and when letting your partner know what you find annoying about them, more is more. How can they fulfil your very specific set of criteria if you’re not constantly reminding them how to chew cereal?

Never be afraid to tell them they’re wrong

Partnerships break down when you lack the courage to shout ‘YOU’RE WRONG’ in your loved one’s face. It can be hard to admit that your partner is at fault, but it’s the difference between a tolerable relationship and a glorious one in which you have total control.

Admit when you’re right

Just as important as undermining your partner is asserting your own incinvible righteousness. Never miss an opportunity to hammer home that you are winning this relationship.

Support them in making the right decisions for you

True love is about helping each another through the tough times – job changes, family issues, hangovers – so make sure your partner knows when it comes to big choices, they need to make the ones that benefit you.

Remember how all this started

Remember, you fell in love with the person you thought your chosen one could become, given the right high-level manipulation. Never give up on your conditional love.

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