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The self-serving, transparent, favour-abusing texts you've sent vs Boris Johnson's

WE’VE all sent sly texts blatantly intended to bring in a massive favour or get a freebie. But how do yours compare with Boris Johnson’s?

You: ‘Hey Steve how ya doing? Wondered if you’d heard anything about those grams for Saturday. Also haven’t forgotten about Natalie’s phone number, still enquiring’

Boris Johnson: ‘Hey! Hope you’re good. Any word on the free luxury holiday? No biggie, just catching up with a few party donors wanting to help me out. Cheers.’

You: ‘Yo Luke long time no hear! You still working at the O2? Fancy meeting after Dua Lipa on Saturday for few drinks? Haven’t got tickets but you can sort it right???’ 

Boris Johnson: ‘How are you Laura? Can you bury any reports of Dom being in north-east like Durham Barnard Castle. For public good. Massive thanks’

You: ‘Hi Stacey do you want to come out this weekend? We’re going into town for a bit of a heavy one do you still have your car? Can you bring your sister Mel also’

Boris Johnson: ‘Sup guys. Can we all move on about the Dom thing and form a square around the Prittster, will pay big electoral dividends later promise’

You: ‘Great news mum I’m coming to see you. Can you pick me up Thursday at airport, bring both cars as I’m moving home for four to six months. Thanks.’ 

Boris Johnson: ‘Dudes: really need everyone to rally round and vote against whole Owen Paterson 30-day suspension thing. Completely sure it’s right thing to do this time.’ 

You: ‘I WAS AT YOURS ALL WEEKEND IF ANYONE COMES ASKING EG THE POLICE CAN GIVE YOU THAT £400 BACK? TOP LAD’

Boris Johnson: ‘Regret that you paying Lulu Lytle has got spotted by press so need you lie to independent standards adviser. Great Exhibition definitely happening 2028. Will be amazing.’

Old adverts you'd like to have permanently wiped from your brain

WE all know the Shake n’Vac advert was designed to be so dreadful you’d never forget it. But there are plenty more you’d happily have your memory erased to get rid of: 

Midland Bank

‘Come and talk, talk to the Midland. Come and talk… to the listening bank’. Unfortunately this annoyingly cheerful jingle will suddenly start playing on repeat in your brain decades after the 80s ended. The Midland doesn’t even exist anymore, for f**k’s sake. 

Chatback

‘If you’re sat around at home, make new friends on the telephone’. This late-night phone chat horror is more firmly embedded in your head than an alien parasite. And helpfully reminds you that you were indeed sat around at 2am being targeted by a phone service for society’s biggest losers.   

For mash get Smash

The robots were amusing enough but there was a problem: Smash is absolutely disgusting. The short yet strangely memorable jingle should have gone: ‘For mash, boil a potato you lazy f**k.’

Cornetto gondola ad

‘Just one Cornetto, give it to me…’ etc. The numerous problems of this earworm are: (1) It may be a pastiche, but if you hate opera, it’s still opera. (2) This advert is still the full extent of most Britons’ knowledge of Italian culture. (3) He nicks a lady’s Cornetto, ruling out sex with a beautiful woman for the sake of a cheap ice cream you could buy in any tatty newsagent’s in Crewe. 

TSB, the bank that likes to say ‘yes’

We’d all like to say ‘yes’. ‘Yes, you can have a real dinosaur as a pet.’ ‘Yes, you could easily be mistaken for a supermodel.’ But when push came to shove, TSB was a hard-nosed retail bank that would have said ‘no’ without a moment’s hesitation, eg. ‘No, we are not going to call off the bailiffs.’ (Although in fairness they did earlier say ‘yes’ to a credit card.)

Kellogg’s Bran Flakes

‘They’re tasty, tasty, very very tasty. They’re very tasty. (Beat) They’re very tasty.’ Surely worthy of an Ivor Novello award. The only issue is that Bran Flakes are not ‘very tasty’, more ‘very cardboardy’. And always remind you of your gran discussing keeping her bowel movements ‘regular’. Yum.

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