SO many Tories have defected to Labour over the years they have an initiation ritual modelled on the Hell’s Angels. This is what Dr Dan Poulter will have to endure: 

Pissing on a picture of Thatcher

To prove they’ve renounced their allegiance, defectors must urinate on a portrait of their Holy of Holies while constituents and and family look on. If they get stage fright and can’t muster a steady stream, they’re out. Once they’ve done the deed Rachel Reeves will explain that actually she was fiscally very sound.

Hug an asylum seeker

Hazing ceremonies are all about degradation. And nothing could be more humiliating for a former Tory than expressing compassion to a refugee fleeing warfare. Nor will a quick one-armed hug suffice; he’ll be expected to do a full minute with back-patting. For a Conservative, this is the equivalent of Cameron’s pig-f**king.

Spending a night in an NHS hospital

A true test of grit and determination. Tories are terrified of hospitals because they’re haunted by the doomed souls of the dead and the underpaid, all clamouring to tear the flesh from Dan Poulter’s bones and to let him die, forgotten, in a corridor. But current waiting lists mean he’ll have 18 weeks to prepare and the election might happen first.

Walking through the Red Wall naked

Winning the Red Wall back means throwing them meat. Parading Poulter through Sedgefield and Workington while they pelt him with dung, a notion stolen from Jeremy Clarkson’s wank bank, should win votes. And, given he’s a Tory, he’s likely to be able to get off on it.

Drinking a bottle of Thames water

No initiation ceremony is complete without a drinking challenge. So if the member for Central Suffolk and North Ipswich really has changed sides, he’ll have to neck an entire bottle of river water cloudy with human waste. ‘What’s the matter, profiteering of private water companies too strong for you?’ Labour MPs will laugh while he pukes his ring.