subscribe
/ Sign Out

Sunak planning to stage dive into mosh pit

THE prime minister is planning to turn his term of office around by stage-diving into the heaving mosh pit at the Tory party conference.

Sunak plans to whip the crowd into a frenzy by leading a chant about how great cars are before flinging himself into the wild front rows where the ERG slamdance before surfing on their adoring hands.

The prime minister said: “If Theresa May can dance onto the stage – and God damn did she look hot – I can go one better.

“Maths nerd? Maybe, but I’m also a man who’s wild for deregulation and the creation of freeports, and I’m proving it by leaping into the rowdiest audience on the circuit.

“I’ve dreamed of it ever since I was a kid, watching William Hague out of his mind on sovereign monetary policy, climbing the speaker stacks bare-chested and hurling himself into the crowd. Thatcher leading her wall of death at Blackpool 1981 got me into politics.

“I’m not kidding myself about the risks though. There’s bound to be a bottle of piss thrown at me by a disgruntled backbencher and digital anal penetration will occur, but it’s all in fun.

“Pretty confident all my loyal MPs will rush to catch me and I won’t plunge alone onto the merciless concrete. Pretty confident.”

U2 safely contained in sphere

THE band U2 have been securely contained in a high-technology sphere in the desert, scientists have confirmed. 

U2, who have been blighting the world for decades, are sealed within a 875,000 square foot sphere completely lined with screens simulating their natural stadium concert environment.

The sphere is currently situated above ground near an old atomic testing site but will soon be allowed to sink into the earth, burying the band for an estimated 180 million years.

Project leader Dr Denys Finch Hatton, who hopes to be remembered as a 21st-century Oppenheimer, said: “It’s done. They’re gone. Just a legend to frighten children.

“Key to the project was the pacification of U2. Most bands settle for diminishing returns and afternoon slots at festivals, but they still believed they were immensely popular, even after everything.

“The sphere lets us simulate their expected environment of total adulation. Each night they play a gig to thousands of adoring digital fans. Each day Bono lunches with the Dalai Lama, the Pope, Bill Clinton and Queen Rania of Jordan. They are trapped in their own dreams.

“Finally we are free from them. Unless there’s an earthquake in 200 years and they’re released to ravage a world completely unprepared for their shitness.”

Next story ›