TODAY’S teenagers have only experienced lame sequels to great films you loved as a kid. Here are some that make you look weird due to the new ones being total shit.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Pure cinematic joy – Nazi occultists, propeller dismemberment, Karen Allen. However teens have been introduced to Indiana Jones via Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, with its gibberish backstory and ‘WTF?’ Tarzan scene. Dial of Destiny will really make them wonder what the fuss is about as a knackered Indy looks as if he’d prefer a sit-down and a cup of tea.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Trek films aren’t exactly an unmitigated success, but Wrath of Khan rocked. As well as all the recent ones dispensing with plot logic, Star Trek Into Darkness brought back Khan as gangly posho Benedict Cumberbatch, who exudes the physical menace of a clinically depressed supply teacher.
Alice in Wonderland
The original is a classic of animation full of iconic moments. Tim Burton’s remake is essentially being spiked with LSD and the ensuing bad trip. Gen Z youngsters will assume you took loads of drugs in your youth and get you an unfunny cannabis mug.
The Evil Dead
Greatly enjoyed for its gleeful gore back in 1981, plus the kudos of watching a ‘video nasty’. Today’s young ‘uns can enjoy a humour-free version that deals with a dull heroin addiction subplot and which resembles a million other competent horror movies. And they use an electric carving knife instead of a chain saw for limb removal. Wusses.
The Lion King
You loved those singing animals with their adorable, expressive Disney faces, so why not make a version where they can’t emote? You’d think the House of Mouse could improve on Animal Magic with Johnny Morris. Also a big benefit of cartoon lions is that they don’t remind you that real lions are savage killing machines who like ripping baby gazelles’ intestines out.
Star Wars
After The Rise of Skywalker, Generation Z must be convinced that A New Hope was about unlikeable twats going from A to B to C collecting unexplained artefacts while random things happen, such as star destroyers emerging from the ground like carrots. They might even think you spent all your time making your action figures have incomprehensible conversations about ‘force dyads’.
The Wicker Man
The ancient evil, the sexual repression, the slow, serious build-up to a horrific climax… or there’s the 2006 Nicolas ‘No, not the bees!’ Cage version. Wax lyrical about The Wicker Man and Gen Zers will assume you have no taste in films whatsoever, and get you the DVD of Big Momma’s House for Christmas.
