subscribe
/ Sign Out

Prescott punching an egg-thrower: Responses to political protests less boring as f**k than Starmer's

KEIR Starmer boringly removed his jacket and carried on with his speech after having glitter thrown at him yesterday. Which politicians would have responded with a bit more spunk?

John Prescott punching an egg thrower

Back in 2001, John Prescott was hit in the face by an egg while walking to an election rally in North Wales. Rather than shrug it off with a smooth but dull comment, Prescott instantly punched the mulleted protestor clean in the jaw. Can you imagine Sir Keir doing that? He’d probably pull a muscle.

Andrea Jenkyn giving the finger

Love her or hate her – and, let’s face it, it’s going to be the latter – Andrea Jenkyn didn’t respond to people protesting before Boris Johnson’s resignation speech with bland platitudes. Instead, she gave them the finger. Definitely not fitting behaviour for a politician, but entertainingly bolshy nonetheless.

Gordon Brown saying ‘That bigoted woman’

After being heckled during a live TV interview about ‘all these Eastern Europeans what are coming in’, Gordon Brown described her on a hot mic as ‘that bigoted woman’ and everyone lost their shit. The comment still divides people now, but it’s the type of frustrated response you’d never get from beige-tongued Sir Keir, who presumably only voices his actual opinions about anything behind closed, locked, soundproof doors.

Peter Mandelson calling being slimed ‘non-violent’

People are on a hair trigger to have a massive drama over everything nowadays, so can you imagine a politician having an unknown substance flung at them in the street and shrugging it off as ‘simply harmless custard’? That’s what Peter Mandelson did when an environmental protestor threw a cup of green liquid at him. Nowadays he’d condemn them in no uncertain terms and Twitter would be full of people insisting they were publicly executed as a ‘security threat’.

Nigel Farage being annoyed about a milkshake

Despite being a bellend who played a big part in turning the UK into a raging bin fire, Farage reacted quite amusingly to having a milkshake chucked over him in public. Rather than get ragingly angry he tutted at his bodyguards and said ‘it’s a complete failure’, like a dad who’s asked their child to pull him a pint from the keg of homebrew he keeps under the stairs. He’s not annoyed, just disappointed. Shame about that whole ‘knackering the economy’ and ‘rise in hate crimes’ business, eh Nige, you old funster?

Seven bullshit reasons for infidelity that sound surprisingly good out loud

THE worst thing about cheating on your long-term partner is the fuss it causes, but it gives you the chance to breathe new life into these classic lines: 

‘We don’t talk anymore’

What fascinating topics did you ache to discuss? The nature of consciousness? Faster-than-light travel? You could have mentioned them at any time, but chose instead to f**k an intern. Not an excuse that stands up to scrutiny, but it gets the guilt flowing.

‘I was flattered by the attention’

A pathetic attempt to send your partner off on a detour of wondering how badly they neglected you. Hopefully they won’t follow it to the logical conclusion that if you’re that f**king impressionable you’d rob a bank in exchange for a Freddo and shouldn’t be allowed out alone.

‘I’m under a lot of pressure at work’

And? What, did HR recommend having an affair? Which also involves aggro like lying, juggling your time and covering up incriminating expenditure? The cure for stress isn’t more stress with occasional ball-emptyings, is it?

‘You haven’t got time for me these days’

Excellent. This whole ugly business is their fault. A partner who truly loves you might fall for it and feel to blame. Sure, you sound like a whiny teenager or Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones but personal humiliation is well worth it.

‘I needed to feel attractive’

Technically your attractiveness was established by a third party having sex with you, so really you could have ended your affair after the first shag once your hypothesis was verified. Still, poor you, forced to have enjoyable sex because you don’t look like Margot Robbie.

‘We’ve drifted apart’

Have you? Have you really? An astute partner will realise things are much the same as usual, since neither of you has joined the French Foreign Legion or taken up necromancy. However it’s wonderfully vague and derails a row into an interminable discussion about goals, which is a win for you.

‘I can’t remember the last time we had sex’

This is a terrific excuse. They’ll be thrown into a pit of doubt about whether they’ve been cruelly starving you of sex. Is it any wonder that you strayed? Just don’t overplay your hand: if the last time you had sex was 48 hours earlier, this works less well.

Next story ›