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We will vote Conservative because we deserve to be punished, says Britain

BRITONS will elect a Conservative government because they believe they are bad and deserve to suffer, polls have confirmed. 

Voters agree that Theresa May, who transparently despises them, is the candidate to deliver the severe chastising that they know deep down is all they are worthy of.

Nikki Hollis of Leicester said: “I will be voting for Mrs May because I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

“When Gordon Brown was Prime Minister I bought a pair of £95 trousers on my credit card even though I hadn’t saved up for them.

“I caused the financial crisis. It’s only just I pay the price for it.”

Norman Steele said, “When Mrs May tells us a hard Brexit will be good for us and toughen us up because we’ve had it easy too long, I know she’s right.

“We can’t expect other countries to be our friends. We have to take our beating then say ‘thank you very much, sir’ and ask for more.

“Life shouldn’t be good. Life should be Conservative.”

Middle-class family tanning absolute f**k out of their National Trust membership

A FAMILY have spent the holidays giving their National Trust cards an absolute fucking hammering. 

The Booker family, who have visited six National Trust properties in the last five days, have admitted they are ripping the complete piss and have no intention of stopping now.

Tom Booker said: “I’m surprised they haven’t put a block on our cards, because we are going totally fucking hogwild.

“Castles, stately homes, historic cottages, we don’t give a fuck mate. If there’s oak leaves on a brown sign we’re in, out, on to the next one.

“They must regret the day they ever made us members. Hundreds of pounds we’ve had off them and we don’t even go the tea room, so it’s pure profit.

“King John’s Hunting Lodge, two miles away? Don’t mind if I fucking do.”

A National Trust spokesman said: “Shit. Shit. Shit. Why didn’t English Heritage tell us they’d already banned these freeloading arseholes?”

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