Second referendum could divide Britain, say f**kwits

A SECOND Brexit referendum could leave Britain hopelessly divided in bitter, entrenched opposition, warn idiots who have noticed nothing since 2016. 

The arseholes, who have apparently spent the last two-and-a-half years in a sensory deprivation tank, believe a second referendum could cause Brexiters to threaten riots and Remainers to lose faith in democracy altogether.

Nathan Muir of Warwick said: “Do we want to see a country where whole families are rent apart in violent opposition about Europe? Because there’s a real danger that could happen.

“And politically, we could find our two-party system hijacked by radical extremists on both the left and the right, with tradition and consensus trampled underfoot and Parliament paralysed. Is that what we need right now?

“There’s even a risk of the United Kingdom itself splitting up. Imagine a situation where Scotland and, say, Northern Ireland vote Remain but England votes Leave. What would happen?

“No, our duty to each other is to accept the entirely uncontentious result of the 2016 referendum as a united country, with mutual respect, understanding and good faith. As we have.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Yeah, Nathan thinks we don’t know he’s Brexit.”

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Big house!

Have you got a big house? Put every single room on Facebook, with the self-deprecating quip ‘It’s going to take a lot of hoovering!’ Not really, you have a cleaner.

Your amazing child!

What have they achieved recently? Grade 4 flute? Mild praise from teacher? Learning a new lip trick on their skateboard? If it’s likely to make others sigh and murmur ‘oh fuck right off’, that’s a win.

Loved-up relationship! 

Date night? Carpet-bomb your Facebook page with insanely happy, cheek-to-cheek selfies, but for maximum smugness include…

Nauseating declaration of love! 

Something along the lines of: ‘I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am that this smart, beautiful, incredible woman is my world,’ will have everyone hammering the Like button to make you go away.

Career success! 

Bluntly stating your six-figure salary is a bit gauche, so try things like ‘Work trip to New York hashtag wow!’ or ‘Next time I have a book launch, keep me away from the champagne!’

Unforgettable holiday!

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Checking in somewhere extremely expensive!

Does everybody need to know your whereabouts in case of emergency every time you’re seeing Drake at the O2? Check in!

Full house? Congratulations! You’re a twat!