subscribe
/ Sign Out

Red box containing Thatcher's demon soul sold at auction

THE RED box which Margaret Thatcher’s immortal demonic soul was tricked into entering has sold at auction for £242,500. 

The battered red despatch box, sealed with mystic runes drawn in animal blood, can be heard howling if an ear is put close to the white-hot lock. 

Auctioneer Julian Cook said: “Thatcher’s soul was trapped within the box when it left her physical body, out of fear that it would roam the earthly plane until it found a new host organism.

“Lured in with an old bottle of free school milk, its incandescent rage will burn for all eternity.”

The box is believed to have been sold to a Chinese hedge fund, attracting ire among Conservatives who believe it should have been secured for the nation with Lottery funding. 

Tory MP Susan Traherne said: “How wonderful it would be to take your children to see the demonic force on show at the V&A. 

“Also we could always break the seals and set it free if the UK was ever in danger of a left-wing government again.”

Psychic Bob: The pink Hungry Hippo is Pisces and the green one is Libra

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. The second statement can be logically inferred by the first, when you think about it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Bloody typical; everyone else gets to do what they like at the office party, while you’re left to run off 200 photocopies of the managing director’s arse them send them out to clients. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday, two roads diverge in a wood and you, you take the road less travelled, and you miss all the traffic. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Getting to second base with Angela Stelfox while the teacher was distracted by the caesium setting Peter Hulme’s hair on fire was not, technically, chemsex. Good story though. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Finally, you’ve worked out how Twitter’s mute button works, and you’ve muted everyone you follow so you can finally get a bit of peace. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
The days of the industrial revolution when eight-year-olds worked down mines were supposedly terrible, but when you can’t get the little buggers off Minecraft you wonder if turning an honest profit would be so bad.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You celebrate December 17th by going to work dressed as a stormtrooper but your colleagues don’t seem as interested in the anniversary of the sinking of the German cruiser ship the Graf Spee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Following your course on Active Listening Skills, you’re accused of sarcasm today when you keep shouting ‘HELL, YES!’ at your manager.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An awkward silence in the pub on Friday when your mates are discussing which one of the Nolans they used to fancy, and you say your favourite was Kevin.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, you’ve got it backwards; the green Hungry Hungry Hippo is Pisces, it’s the pink one that’s Libra. Though both can expect fewer marbles than usual this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
And very fine big up to the junglist massive to you, too, madam.

Next story ›