subscribe
/ Sign Out

Naive man thinks Tories care about things

A MAN takes Tory proposals that are obviously just public relations exercises completely at face value, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, invariably accepts the party’s claims they will improve the environment or help people, as if they are real policies the Tories give a toss about.

Bishop said: “It’s brilliant Michael Gove is doing something about air pollution. I expect it’s been a personal dream of his and he’s been consulting with environmentalists for years to make sure he gets it right.

“It’s like when Theresa May promised to improve mental health services. It’s obviously something she cares deeply about and not just a cynical attempt to make her look less like a cyborg.

“It’s a bit odd we haven’t heard more about that, but I suppose Theresa has been really busy with Brexit and her three-week holiday.

“The Tories are always saying how much they want to help ‘just about managing’ families, so I expect they’ve got loads of really useful, practical policies in the pipeline.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a bit tragic listening to Martin. He still thinks David Cameron fucked about in the Arctic because he cares passionately about global warming.”

A guide to American 'food' imports

IF Britain strikes a trade deal with the US, what low-quality food will be on your menu?

Pig-flavour Chunky Bits
Made from the parts of pigs no one knew existed, such as the ‘inner flange’ and the ‘duct hole’. The resulting product tastes so unlike pork it has to be flavoured with the equally mysterious ‘bacon concentrate’.

American chocolate
Actually a form of edible plastic, American chocolate is incredibly sweet with a watery, milk-like flavour that leaves an oily residue in your mouth. Preferred by most Americans to real chocolate because they actively enjoy nausea.

Substi-fruit
Artificial fruit encompassing everything from apples and orange to figs and lychees. Using a complex chemical process, compacted lard is made into objects that look identical to real fruit but are flavoured with pungent chemicals normally used in air fresheners.

Fisho
Made from waste parts of fish including fins and eyeballs, Fisho is almost indistinguishable in taste and texture from cheap real fillets and contains 9,800 calories per serving.

Mom’s Traditional Southern-style Hickory Beef
Highly toxic meat substitute made from gravel softened in ammonia. Flavoured with the chemical DBT 11, originally developed as a defoliant during the Vietnam War.

Dairyfresh Cheese
A vast army of lawyers employed by the Dairyfresh Cheese Corporation prevents anyone in the US finding out the cheese is actually made from bleached and disinfected moose excrement. Hugely popular despite its bland ‘nothing’ taste.

‘Meat’
Little is known about the exact contents of ‘meat’ except that its manufacturer, The ‘Meat’ Company of Detroit, busses in large numbers of homeless people to work at its vast rendering plant.

Next story ›