MPs will today begin the most important European debate for a generation, uniting sceptics across the political spectrum and oh who fucking cares?
Senior Labour sources last night predicted that someone will say whatever it is they are talking about is a really great idea that will not lead to the creation of a European superstore run by cryogenically frozen Nazis.
The Conservatives are expected to accuse prime minister Gordon Brown of getting up at 4am every morning so he can fly to Paris and prepare breakfast for President Sarkozy and his latest dirty sex partner.
A Liberal Democrat spokesman said: "I went to Milan last year. Some kind of Ryanair deal. It was quite nice."
Meanwhile political analysts are at odds over what the important European thing means and whether it is exactly the same as an earlier European thing that no-one bothered to read.
Professor Wayne Hayes, of the Institute for Studies, said: "God, I hate my job. It's so fucking tedious. I wish I'd been a forensic scientist or David Attenborough's cameraman."
However, most agree that whatever the thing is, it could lead to UK foreign policy being decided by sophisticated European types, instead of a sordid collection of traditional British liars.
There are also concerns that moves to create a European super-army will mean British soldiers being forced to eat magnificent food instead of small blobs of reconstituted shit in a bap.
