subscribe
/ Sign Out

Labour's focus group three old men from the snug of a Stoke Wetherspoons

THE Labour Party has been running every policy past three angry Boris Johnson supporters who would normally be in Wetherspoons, it has revealed.

Norman Steele, Martin Bishop and Bill McKay were recruited two months ago because they are the type of voters the party needs to win back, and have been listened to uncritically ever since.

Due to lockdown restrictions, Labour strategists have even created a replica of their favourite Wetherspoons in Stoke in which they gather for a 9am pint to decide Labour policies.

Steele said: “I voted Brexit because I’m not having Belgium deciding what shape my sausages are. I’ll have another Old Peculiar, thanks. 

”When my thoughts were passed on to Keir he immediately understood my concerns and decided to wave a hard Brexit through. I’m still voting for Boris, mind.”

Bishop said: “As a white, working class man, what worries me most is a rise in corporation tax. And Keir agrees. He’s still a commie bastard like Corbyn so I’m voting for Boris, though.”

McKay said: “I can’t take politicians seriously unless they’ve got Union Jack curtains like I do. When Keir sings ‘Rule Britannia’ in parliament he’s got my vote. If he joins UKIP.”

Six words people mispronounce that make you want to punch them

DO you want to throttle that person in your life who insists on pronouncing it ‘vice-a versa’? Here are some more you will also hate.

Vice versa

At some stage every child sees this phrase written down and realises that it very clearly says ‘vice’ with no extraneous ‘a’ sound attached. Most people quickly change their ways, apart from some twats who will annoy you with it forever.

Espresso

We’ve all been drinking overpriced wanky coffee for long enough now to know there is no need to insert an ‘x’ into the beginning of this particular variety. You could get away with it in the 80s but now you just sound like an idiot.

Specifically

Using ‘pacifically’ instead of ‘specifically’ is not merely mispronouncing, but using a whole different word instead. On top of that, it isn’t even a real word with its own meaning, making the user doubly infuriating.

Et cetera

This is another phrase that regularly gets given a rogue ‘x’ after the first ‘e’, despite the fact that there isn’t one there. It is Latin, which can be tricky to speak, but it’s hardly the same as being asked to recite Lucretius’ De rerum natura.

Anyway

There are some incredibly irritating people out there who insist on adding an ’s’ onto this word, for reasons that no rational human can make sense of. Unless you’re starring in a particularly bad American high school romcom, which is highly unlikely, please stop doing it.

Mispronunciation

Saying ‘mispronounce-iation’ is almost impressive. You’re aware of the concept of mispronouncing words, but are failing to do anything about it, like seeing your house catch fire and just standing there going ‘Well this is odd’.

Next story ›