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Labour Party unveils 24-foot bronze statue of brave and noble leader Corbyn

THE Labour Party has confirmed the smelting of a 24 foot bronze statue of Jeremy Corbyn in which he will be either handing out bread or banging his left fist into his right hand.

The statue of Corbyn will be placed in the newly named Freedom Square, formerly Leicester Square, after the revolution comes in the next couple of months.

A Labour spokesman said: “We’d really like quite of these statues dotted round the place to be honest. Just to remind the public of the great and noble sacrifices and victories of our infallible leader.

“We also want a 20 foot statue of John McDonnell looking generally annoyed, a 50 foot statue of Diane Abbott carrying farming equipment, and also one of Tom Watson.

“Just shitting you, we’re obviously not making one of Tom Watson.”

Yoga teacher masters tricky move of pretending to have her life together

A YOGA teacher has finally mastered the challenging move of pretending to have a fully-functioning life outside yoga classes. 

After years of training, Nikki Hollis, 32, is now able to nimbly switch from the downward dog into acting like her entire existence is not a total shitshow.

She said: “It’s taken dedicated daily practice, but you can tell the difference. The entire class can feel the calm I radiate when I’m faking having everything together.

“Even at the back, they’re suffused with the sense of centred wellbeing that only comes when you don’t have a coffee table piled high with unopened bills and a one-night stand of uncertain name in the bathroom. I’ve cracked it.

“There’s no way when I’m preaching mindfulness and living in the moment they can tell I’m getting the bus home because I lost my licence for speeding.”

Hollis added that she is now working on mastering the transition between exhaling deeply to clear the mind of cluttered thoughts to inhaling deeply on a Marlboro Light the minute the class buggers off.

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