subscribe
/ Sign Out

Jeremy Corbyn last spotted at Laser Quest in Swindon

LABOUR’S elusive leader Jeremy Corbyn has been located playing Laser Quest in Swindon.

The seldom-seen Corbyn was spotted shouting at an eight-year-old child who had deactivated his laser pack in the airlock.

A Labour insider said: “The obvious thing for Jeremy to do would be to make a bold, decisive statement so the public know where Labour stands on the carnage that is Brexit, but you know Jezza, he’s a bit of a maverick.

“It’s a little known fact that Jeremy loves Laser Quest, but he’s very passionate about it. He certainly can’t be accused of sitting on the fence when it comes to nuking newbies in the Battle Zone.

“He’ll be back in work sometime in January, we think, although I know he also wants to check out Wookey Hole and has a voucher for Chessington World of Adventures.”

Eight-year-old Laser Quest fan Wayne Hayes said: “I thought the man with the white beard was Father Christmas.

“But Father Christmas wouldn’t have used words like that.”

'Free spirit' has 48 very specific dietary requirements

A WOMAN who is really happy to ‘go with the flow’ also won’t eat anything without first thoroughly inspecting the ingredients list.

Emma Bradford said: “I’m a very laid-back person. I’ll just throw myself into any situation – spontaneous road trips, ayahuasca ceremonies, sex parties…it’s not my fault if I have a couple of food allergies.

“I can’t tolerate gluten, sugar, eggs, dairy, which I also avoid on ethical grounds, aspartame, anything processed, any numbers that start with letters, anything a caveman wouldn’t have eaten, anything a caveman would have eaten, anything that was harvested during the full moon, especially if I’m menstruating – oh, and any food where its likeness has been personified in a cartoon. Just in case it feels pain.

“For someone as chilled as me, all these afflictions can be challenging, but I checked with my naturopath and they’re all genuine allergies.

“I still have the occasional naughty treat, like raw chocolate bars and chia seed date balls, although I always regret it afterwards.”

Childhood friend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s really interesting how all these allergies popped up at once, around the time she started wearing ‘interesting’ hats.

“We were all happy to humour her until she brought a beetroot cake to my birthday party. That isn’t a cake, it’s an abomination.”

Next story ›