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'I will call myself a twat for £50'

SADLY – tragically – the political career of Nigel Farage is over. I have given this country everything, and can give no more. 

But I must still make a living, because pints of foaming brown ale, cigarettes and Barbour jackets do not pay for themselves, so I am now recording personalised messages to make ends meet. And I will say anything.

If you want me to describe myself as a ‘seven-time election loser’, I will. If your perfect birthday greeting is me saying ‘Hello it’s me, Question Time’s racist-in-residence’ then £50 and it’s yours.

Something special? For £65 I’ll happily shoot a video where I defend the Shengen Agreement while tipping a milkshake over myself. For £80 I’ll say ‘the 52 per cent are knobs’ while being hit in the face with a pie. Or for £91.75 I’ll wear an ‘I love EU’ T-shirt while eating Euros.

They say every man’s got a price, and mine doesn’t reach three figures. The only limit is your imagination.

My messages can be recorded and sent within 24 hours. I’ve got naff all else going on. Laurence Fox has nicked my job as the nation’s contrarian twat, so shooting a Brexity birthday message for your estranged son in the spirit of banter will really help to pass the time.

It was either this or selling nudes on OnlyFans, so count your blessings. I’m leaving that to Trump.

I was born in the wrong era, claims man who would've been a twat whenever

A TWAT insisting that he belongs in a different time period has yet to realise that he would have been just as unpopular a dick then.

Ever since he saw Peaky Blinders Ryan Whittaker has insisted that his objectionable personality would make him a paragon of cool among the smokestacks of 1920s England.

He explains: “Being born in 1990 instead of 1890 has ruined my life, and there’s only so much flat cap-wearing can compensate for that injustice. I blame my parents.

“Men nowadays are meant to be kind, funny and interested in what women have to say. They’re also expected to hold down desk jobs instead of running around killing people and getting off with hot birds in corsets. It’s not fair.

“If I was in a gang in Birmingham in the 1920s, my volatile, unpleasant personality would be an asset rather than an encumbrance. I’d be respected for it.”

Acquaintance James Bates said: “He’s boring, selfish and never gets a round in. He’d be justifiably ostracised from society in the 1920s, the 1820s and in medieval times.

“He’d be a twat in any period of history. The only difference is now we’re obliged to be his friends on Facebook.”

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