AS the country reopens and venues are once again filled with young punters, I, Matt Hancock, have set out a guide to maintaining a high level of vigilance when you’re five pints deep.
Pace yourself
We have to balance the risk of the virus with the harm that lockdown has done to the economy. Keep necking the alcohol, though, and don’t get tap water – that kind of cheap thinking will destroy the hospitality sector and it will be, as always, your fault.
Play a coronavirus-based drinking game
The moment you start having too much fun, the virus will strike. That’s why I recommend that any fun is linked to the deadly pandemic that you’re drinking to forget. Take two sips every time someone forgets their mask, take three sips every time someone moans about Zoom, and down your pint and go home if any of you start exhibiting symptoms.
Drink with people you hate
If you go to the pub with friends or cronies, you’re inevitably going to want to go in for a hug – maybe a celebratory kiss on the cheek after you’ve tendered another PPE contract to their party supplies company. To combat this, I recommend grabbing a drink with an arch-rival, so neither of you will be tempted to break social distancing rules and go in for a cuddle.
Be paranoid
This comes naturally to some drunks – the kind who accuse you of drinking their pint when they’ve been in the toilet (I’m looking at you, Priti!). Imagine that everyone you’re drinking with is secretly harbouring coronavirus, or a folder of text messages that they’re about to leak to a leftie journalist. Push them at the urinals and let them know who’s boss.
Drink at a pal’s pub
The best way to stay vigilant is to get drunk somewhere where you know for sure that the landlord will be following the strictest government guidelines – perhaps because he has the inside scoop on the virus’s progression from being close personal friends with a government minister. If your local is run by a normal guy who isn’t privy to public funds, you’re just not being vigilant enough.
