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Donald Trump's guide to winking at the camera

HI, I’m US president Donald Trump and I’m going to let you into a little secret – some of the things I say, I don’t really mean. Here’s how I do it.

Have a dumb audience of Trump supporters

They’ll know exactly what you mean, and think you’re smart for doing it. Aim for an audience that’s roughly as stupid as my son Donald Jr. Winking at cameras with ‘Fox News’ on them is best.

Say something reasonable

This is where you say something normal. For example: “Please don’t hate on Nancy Pelosi”, “I’m taking this virus very seriously” or “I hope elderly, forgetful Joe Biden makes a great president and lives a long and happy life.”

Pause for effect

Leave a pause that makes it obvious you’re not sincere, even if your previous 74 years have made it clear already. This is where a clever showman like me might literally wink at a camera.

Refuse to answer questions

Don’t say more than you have to. If a degenerate journalist asks for an explanation, give them a scoff, a shake of the head, or a facial expression like ham getting sucked down a plughole.

And that’s it

You see, it’s easy if you’re already such an irredeemable jerk that the truth refuses to attach itself to you. Please don’t do anything bad on your way home.

Things I know are communist because the Telegraph told me, by Roy Hobbs

COMMUNISTS are taking over Britain. I know because I read it in the Daily Telegraph. Here are some of the socialist horrors the hard left is forcing on us. 

The BBC

The Biased Broadcasting Communists, more likely. It’s run by Marxists who are indoctrinating us with their dangerous lefty views. You might think you’re watching The Antiques Roadshow, but really Fiona Bruce is brainwashing you with her bewitching eyes.

Cycle lanes

Communist cycle lanes are being built everywhere because the government wants to take our cars away. Honestly, having little roads just for bicycles all over the place is exactly like living in Stalin’s Russia.

The NHS

Medical care that’s free at the point of use but paid for by everyone? Lenin would be all over it. I’m deeply suspicious of it and criticise it constantly, until I freak out that my statins have stopped working and I might need to call an ambulance.

The Conservative government

In the past year they’ve given stuff I’ve paid for to poor people for free, which is totally communist. And don’t give me that nonsense about a pandemic. ‘Scamdemic’, if you ask me. All the scientists are in on it too. What do you mean, I sound a bit paranoid? 

Teachers

Teachers are innately left-wing, even the ones who vote Conservative, and all they teach our kids nowadays is how to be transgender and pull down statues. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t set foot in a school since 1967 and I’m talking nonsense. I’m still right.

Buses

Anyone who is prepared to share a cheap means of transport with strangers is definitely a communist. However, believing this doesn’t take away my right to get insanely angry about there being too many cars on the road. Apart from mine, obviously.

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