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Can everyone please focus on how we're f**king up Brexit?

by Michael Gove, minister for the Cabinet Office and king-in-waiting

YES, the pandemic is on everyone’s minds right now. But can we all stop debating tiers and lockdown and devote a moment to admiring how badly we’re f**king up Brexit?

There are ministers putting in sterling work cocking up. There are bold new foot-shootings like today’s refusal to even have talks. There are nameless civil servants screwing things up on the ground day after day.

But what do we see? Headlines about lockdowns and restrictions and the R number. Look, pandemics come and pandemics go. A few years, maximum. But our Brexit will leave the UK shattered for centuries.

Honestly, some of the stuff we’ve done this week alone should have the Remainers screaming. We’re destroying your kids’ economic futures, for fish! For bloody fish!

But instead everyone’s asking questions about track-and-trace, or why we kickstarted the second wave by students to university, or when we’ll put Manchester in tier three. How do you think that makes our brave solicitor general, who broke the law she’s sworn to uphold just to f**k up Brexit, feel?

We are capable of screwing things up on two fronts at once, you know. And let me be very clear that while we’re screwing up Covid, that’s just because we don’t care about it. Screwing up Brexit is our passion.

So get back on your angry tweets. Go on your marches. Write your headlines. We’re bollocking this up royally and it’s a crime that it’s getting so little attention.

Bloody Covid. It’s ruining this for us.

'Hiya!' and five other unbearable ways to greet someone

SEEN an old friend in the street? Spotted your cousin at the bus stop? Here’s six ways to alienate them from the get-go: 

Hiya!

Christ, you’re a bit chipper for a Tuesday morning. You’re not presenting CBeebies. Tone it down before you give yourself an enthusiasm-induced hernia.

What’s up?

Has anyone ever said anything but ‘not much’? Wasn’t this one already over when Budweiser parodied it two decades ago? Why would you greet people by dragging them back to happier times in their lives, then confronting them with your aged, grinning face?

Long time no see!

Whether or not this is true, your friend will now be desperately trying to remember what mutual friend’s birthday you last cornered them at. Ever considered that there might be a reason you aren’t meeting up more regularly?

Ahoy!

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you were playing some sort of seafaring character — will you be keeping it up for the whole night? Usually yelled over a crowded pub, this one will can end long-standing friendships in a single evening.

What’s happening?

This is what extras in movies scream as alien spacecraft swoop low and incinerate whole neighbourhoods with heat-rays. It’s not appropriate to greeting a colleague in the household cleansing aisle of Tesco. You know what’s happening there.

Howdy!

Not content with our perfectly serviceable British twattisms, you’ve travelled across the Atlantic and brought back this turd of a greeting. You’re in a pub in Kidderminster. Read the room, John Wayne.

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