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Cameron punches a tramp

DAVID Cameron rounded off his spirited performance in the Commons yesterday by smacking a vagrant in the throat.

After asking Dennis Skinner to die and telling Margaret Hodge that she looked like an old man, the prime minister stormed out of the Palace of Westminster and assaulted the first available tramp.

Tory backbencher, Martin Bishop, said: “He ran over to this thin, shabby looking person and just went absolutely fucking mental on him while shouting ‘point of order! point of order!’ in a manic, high-pitched voice.

“George Osborne was sobbing and telling him to stop but he wouldn’t listen and just kept raining light slaps on the homeless chap’s face until he was exhausted.”

Downing Street has now asked the Speaker if Prime Minister’s Questions can be renamed ‘The Prime Minister Calls You an Arse’ while all official statements from Mr Cameron’s office will now begin with ‘Listen, fuckface’.

Earlier Mr Cameron told Labour leader Ed Miliband that he will order an enquiry into Jeremy Hunt’s relationship with News Corporation ‘just after I’ve finished doing your missus’.

Bishop added: “It’s not that I’m worried the government is struggling to regain its authority, it’s that the prime minister seems to be having a nervous breakdown.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The prime minister will continue to have a nervous breakdown in order to maintain Britain’s cherished triple-A credit rating.”

Cannabis farms funding badly-organised criminals

AN explosion in the number of cannabis farms is raking in millions for flaky criminals who will either lose the money or spend it on snacks.

New police figures show that around 21 grow rooms are being discovered every day in mildewy student-type houses with Magic Eye posters on the walls, revolting toilets and nothing in the fridge except milk.

Detective Tom Logan said: “Despite claims that it’s a relatively harmless drug, the cannabis trade is putting a lot of money into the hands of people who are utterly hopeless.

“Weed farmers live in total disarray, waking up in the afternoon then lying in bed listening to dub reggae and playing console games until early evening, which is when they shuffle out of the door to go and buy Maryland cookies from the corner shop. Which they will describe as ‘going on a mission’.

“It’s not like they’re proper drug dealers with Range Rovers, Gucci loafers and well-maintained sawn-off shotguns. At least those guys probably pick their kids up from school on time.

“If you’re putting money into the hands of cannabis users, chances are they’ll either just lose it, or at best spend it bribing a housemate to get off the sofa and replace the DVD in the player with The Big Lebowski or the Manga film Ghost in the Shell.

“As a cannabis user you are funding people who are utterly infuriating. Think about that.”

The government is encouraging the public to inform on cannabis farmers with a new campaign entitled Rat Your Neighbour Out For Having A Few Plants.

A spokesman said: “We’re appealing to all sectors of the community, but especially meddling, small-minded fuckwits with no sense of proportion.”

 

 

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