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Britain in uncontrollable schadenfreude orgy

ED Balls, George Galloway, UKIP and Vince Cable have left Britain drained after an orgy of schadenfreude.

As the UKIP challenge fell flat and three of the country’s most unbearable MPs were shown the door, the nation said that if Nigel Farage loses it might just faint.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I had a list. Check. Check. Check. And check.

“Excuse me while I burst.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, added: “I think Galloway is the best one. And the fucker might get nicked. I’m so happy I’m starting to feel a bit guilty about it.

“Not really.”

Voters surrender to their inner bastard

MILLIONS of voters have admitted they are bastards who just want money.

Following a close-fought election campaign, the electorate decided the prospect of having money was better than the prospect of not having it.

Tom Booker, from Southampton, said: “I like money. I like how it feels in my hands. Labour had some lovely things to say about society, but I don’t actually care about any of that because it’s not money.

“I promise I will do nice things with some of the money. This afternoon when I’m in Tesco I’ll buy some pot noodles for the food bank, and then I’ll feel totally okay about what I’ve done.”

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: “They say that politics is ultimately about the economy. And the reason they say that is because it’s fucking obvious.”

Electoral analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “It seems that voters attuned to seeing through politicians’ lies looked in the mirror and could no longer believe in their own.

“Socialism is great in theory, but in practice it’s a massive ball-ache.”

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