subscribe
/ Sign Out

Boy was on hospital floor because he wanted to get Brexit done, says Johnson

BORIS Johnson has claimed that the boy lying on a floor in A&E was doing it as a protest because he wants to get Brexit done.

Johnson, who asked to keep the phone he first saw the photo on yesterday as a memento, told Britain that Jack Williment-Barr was just trying to draw attention to the terrible plight of a country trapped in the EU.

He continued: “At first I was worried it was another one of my kids. I’m always being confronted with a photo of one or other of them, with some woman banging on about ‘neglect’.

“But no, Jack’s more like that Swedish girl, you know the one, stays off school to protest against Scandinavian socialism and pop music.

“This brave boy, who was suffering from suspected pneumonia due to the long-term effects of Jeremy Corbyn’s dithering, decided the only way to bring attention to his country’s predicament was to lie on the floor next to his perfectly clean, serviceable bed.

“It’s worked brilliantly. Thanks to him, the whole of the UK’s talking about how we urgently need to elect a Conservative government to pass my Brexit bill.

“I owe you a debt, Jack. If I win on Thursday, you can have a two-week course of amoxicillin on me.”

Why, as a lifelong Labour voter, it is your moral duty to vote Conservative

VOTED Labour your whole life? Then, according to the right-wing press, on Thursday you simply must vote Conservative. Here’s why:

Brexit
If you want Brexit, you have to vote Tory. Labour say they want Brexit, they’ve promised a referendum and you know what’ll happen there, don’t you? Loyal Brexit voters like yourself won’t vote for Brexit and we won’t get Brexit.

Corbyn
You might think there’s nobody more Labour than Jeremy Corbyn, a Labour MP for 36 years who passionately believes in all the usual trade union and state-funded industry b*llocks. But actually he’s evil, so Labour voters with any decency whatsover must now give their full backing to his exact opposite.

Boris is fun
The Tories only made Boris leader because they think you people like him. You’ve seen him on the telly and you think he’s hilarious. They’ve gone to all this trouble so it would be downright rude to vote for anyone else.

Anti-Semitism
Traditional Labour supporters in their Northern heartlands have always voted based on one issue, and one issue alone: the Jews. Nothing gets an unemployed Barnsley steelworker down to the polling station quicker. And, since Jeremy Corbyn is anti-Semitic, it’s got to be Tory this time.

NHS, police etc etc
Austerity meant the Tories had to cut 20,000 police and millions in NHS funding. But those were the old Tories, where Boris Johnson was a mere powerless Mayor of London or foreign secretary. Now he’s basically Clement Attlee with more hair.

Just f*cking do it, you prole
Go on, don’t be a chippy, working class dick. Do as you’re told so everything can go back to normal.

 

Next story ›