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Are you a Red Wall Tory?

RED Wall Tories have made their voices heard in Labour’s former heartlands. Take our quiz and find out if you’re one of these confusing voters.

What do you think of Boris Johnson?

A) He’s a straightforward, honest bloke who does what he says. He’s one of us and he’d fit right in at the working men’s club. Yeah, I don’t know where I get this shite from either.

B) ‘Liar’ and ‘scumbag’ are the first words that come to mind, but I can think of more.

What do you think of Keir Starmer?

A) A stuck-up, Surrey softie from the loser Labour Party. He’s nearly as bad as that ‘Sadiq Can’t’ bloke from London. Yes, I do read a tabloid newspaper. Why do you ask?

B) He seems like a decent guy, but as leader of the official opposition he needs to put some practise in at this ‘politics’ business.

Do you believe the government is serious about its ‘levelling-up’ plan?

A) It’s going to happen, without a doubt. The North will be driving the country just like during the industrial revolution. With the same working conditions.

B) I’d imagine that bullshit has been forgotten about as quickly as that mental underwater railway idea.

Who was to blame for the decline of British coal mining and the way it was handled in the 1980s?

A) I know I said it was Margaret Thatcher’s fault at the time, but we were in the EU so it’s their fault. Michel Barnier practically got on a horse and bashed those miners’ heads in himself.

B) Probably the people who were to blame for it.

It is 2024 and whole industries are collapsing, causing unemployment and poverty. How are you going to vote?

A) Let’s give the Tories another go. It’s just Brexit teething problems and the Conservatives have got a new, very persuasive three-word slogan: ‘Vote Tory, peasants’

B) Anyone who isn’t the Tories. Count Binface would be worth a go, even if he’s not as hilarious as he thinks he is.

Answers

Mostly As: You’re either in a deeply confused place or a genuine Red Wall Tory idiot.

Mostly Bs: You still have some critical faculties left. Get down to the newsagent’s and buy a copy of the Sun NOW.

Six birds that could totally take you in a fight, by Chris Packham

THEY might not have arms but birds can still hand your ass to you. Naturalist Chris Packham reveals which of our feathered friends would f**k you up one-on-one.

Seagulls

If you grew up in a coastal town you’ve probably already gone toe-to-toe with a seagull and lost. They think nothing of swooping down and stealing your chips, so it’s not a huge leap of the imagination to picture them sending you home in an ambulance. Plus they’re hard as nails and you don’t go to the gym.

Geese

Geese are nature’s largest waterfowl with a wingspan of up to 1.8 metres, meaning they can safely smack you upside the head without fear of you landing a punch. They can also probably whip you with their necks and their tongues have got teeth on them. Seriously, Google it, it’s f**ked up.

Swans

Everyone knows a swan can break your arm with their wing, but their beaks have enough dexterity to wield a switchblade which is what you should be more worried about. And if you’re stupid enough to fight back it’s only a matter of time until the Queen gets involved and you’re executed for crimes against the monarchy.

Pigeons

Pigeons are not only tough little streetwise thugs who thrive in cities, they also have no qualms about eating each other, so who knows what they could do to you? They’ve probably got a sharpened screwdriver hidden under their feathers.

A heron

These long-legged bastards could easily kick the shit out of people if they felt like it, but they’re usually too busy hunting fish and worms which are only slightly easier prey than you. Also have you seen the length of their beaks? They’re like flying spears, you wouldn’t stand a f**king chance.

Common chaffinch

At 16cm tall the common chaffinch might not seem like much of a threat, but you’re not exactly built like a brick shithouse and you get exhausted just running for the bus. Plus it has the added advantage of being able to fly which you can’t even do slightly, so my money’s on the bird.

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