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Now all we need is for this catastrophic clusterf**k of a by-election to happen in all 650 seats, say Tories

THE Conservatives have new hope for the general election provided they can reproduce the same multi-party clusterf**k in every seat in the UK.

George Galloway’s by-election win in Rochdale, beating Labour into fourth place, has been seized on by Tories who believe all they have to do is duplicate these conditions exactly and they will romp to victory.

Grant Shapps said: “We need another 649 Galloways. Get out there and find them. Actually only 648, we can put a hat on Jeremy Corbyn.

“We also need all Labour candidates to be suspended over Gaza remarks, so get the Mail and Telegraph on that. Needs to be simultaneous two weeks before election day when it’s too late to withdraw. It’ll make a hell of a headline.

“And Reform UK, can we make sure they’re ex-Labour MPs kicked out for sexting 17-year-olds? Draws down the right-wing vote. And get the Green Party candidate to withdraw. I don’t know why, why did this one withdraw?

“Finally get an independent to run, somebody nobody’s heard of outside the seat, to pick up all the voters disgusted at mainstream parties but who nonetheless recognise Galloway as a self-serving prick. They’ll pick up 21 per cent of the vote easily.

“We do all that and the Tories come in third nationally, beating Labour. That would be a massive win for us.”

Dad's photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords

A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and wifi router codes.

Martin Bishop’s iPhone made the video all by itself, prompting him to mutter suspiciously about the scourge of ‘bloody AI’ while also moaning that he is the only person in the house capable of reading the meter.

Bishop said: “My wife says we should get a smart meter but I refuse. How do I know Vladimir Putin isn’t going to take control of the national grid and cut off the electricity supply when I’m trying to watch the snooker?

“Unfortunately I’m the one who has to crawl into the cupboard under the stairs everyone month because no bugger else knows where it is. Same with the wifi password thingy that slots into the back of the router. It’s not inconvenient keeping it in the attic, that’s where the signal is best.

“Yes, we could stick the password on the fridge, but then it’s a security risk. Any hacker with a bit of determination and a pair of binoculars could read it from the field behind the house.

“Anyway, it wasn’t all meters and codes. There are also the number plates of unfamiliar cars that park outside the house. And one of the opposite neighbour collecting the post in her nightie. Better delete that.”

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