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No-deal Brexit worth it if it means never hearing about 'the 17.4 million' again

BRITONS will happily accept food shortages and a tanking economy if they never have to hear the words ‘the 17.4 million’ ever again.

Despite an extension to Brexit being less damaging than no-deal, most people will take their chances with hunger and misery if they can escape the tedious phrase.

Office worker Tom Booker, 42, said: “I would cheerfully fight my own mother for her last tin of baked beans if I never have to hear that number from some sanctimonious Leave-voting tosser again.

“Just the thought of them shutting up about their non-mandate to shaft the whole country makes me really look forward to grilling a dead pigeon to go with some Smash.”

Solicitor Emma Bradford said: “I’ll happily honour their precious referendum result if they just stop repeating ‘17.4 million’ like brain-damaged parrots.

“But maybe it will be fun when the other 50 million members of the population realise they’ve been dragged back into the Dark Ages by a minority of nostalgic twats all voting for random things.”

However Brexiter Norman Steele said: “17.4 million. You can’t argue with a big number like that.”

How to make a twat of yourself with email and texts

EMAIL and texting are now part of everyday life, but it’s still possible to make an arse of yourself. Here are some of the best techniques.

Drunkenly text or email someone you barely know

Alcohol can give you a strange urge to communicate, either out of boozy friendliness or in a pathetic attempt to eventually shag someone. Extra twat points if your message is sh*tfaced gibberish, eg. ‘im heaving a drong U??@&£??’.

Forward someone an email slagging them off 

Easily done with long threads where, buried in chit-chat with someone else, is your less-than-complimentary comment ‘Emma’s an awful annoying cow’. Emma WILL read all the way down and she WILL cry and hate you forever.

Use the technology inappropriately 

A brief text saying ‘NE1 fancy a drink after work?’ is pretty much what texting was designed for. ‘Sorry ur dad is dead’ isn’t.

Use kisses on work emails

This will spread like a f*cking disease through any company where people do it. Eventually every email will be signed off with several kisses, however inappropriate, eg. ‘Brian, has maintenance got back about the blocked toilet in the gents? Dave xxx.’

Send the message to the wrong person 

‘U make me hard baby!’ is probably something you don’t want to send to your 82-year-old mum, but it’s a risk if you’re a moron who can’t stop frantically texting all day. Also it shows you think ‘sexting’ is erotic, which is even worse.

Be unbelievably f*cking stupid

If a building is on fire, including your own home, it’s better to call 999 than email [email protected].

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