I COULD have told you Rachel Reeves would bugger up the economy. She needs a lesson in ‘gammonomics’ – economics based on good old common sense. And I’m happy to oblige.
You can’t keep spending like there’s no tomorrow
Socialists like Rachel love to spend, spend, spend – so long as it’s other people’s money. I’d solve this problem by only allowing the chancellor to spend their own cash. I’m not sure how they’d afford, say, a £500 million hospital, but if Reeves is such a swotty chess clever-clogs she shouldn’t have any problem setting up a GoFundMe.
Sack all MPs
A key principle of gammonomics is that we could fix the economy by getting rid of MPs. They get £91,000 a year and there’s bloody 650 of them, so if we sacked them all we’d be saving, er, loads, probably 50 billion quid or something. We could spend that on useful things like schools, hospitals, and a new branch of the police that makes sure everyone wears a poppy.
Stop selling our precious government bonds
The cause of our current mess is Reeves selling bonds. I don’t know what a bond is, and I’ve been told it’s a normal way for governments to raise money, but I imagine it’s like when my mate Gary took his wife’s iPhone to Cash Converters to tide them over, but when he was meant to buy it back he’d spent it all on booze and scratchcards and she had an eppy. Funny, but do we really want a useless twat like Gary for chancellor?
Britain has a credit card but it doesn’t have a magic money tree
Obviously Britain has a credit card. It’s probably a special one for countries called an Amex Mega Premium Platinum made of solid gold and kept in a Mission Impossible room in Downing Street. Maxing out the credit card wouldn’t be a problem if we could pay it off every month from the magic money tree, but that doesn’t exist. Thatcher had the right idea – she would have cut the credit card in two with a pair of scissors and made Britain get a debit card with a £200 daily limit. Good old Maggie.
It’s all about supply and demand
In layman’s terms, this means if you’ve got a SUPPLY of things people DEMAND, you can sell them for money. So, we should turn the entire economy over to making Greggs sausage rolls, because people can’t get enough of those. Then, when we’re coining it in from making trillions of sausages rolls every day, we can use the massive profits to let everyone join Bupa. I can’t believe we’ve got a chancellor who doesn’t understand basic economic principles like this.
Make chancellors take a lie detector test
The mainstream media has decided Reeves talked her CV up a fair bit, but she’s actually quite well-qualified. And we’re supposed to believe implausible bollocks like that? The only people telling the truth these days are Farage and Guido, so I’ll continue to get my facts from Twitter. They reckon Reeves is a Walter Mitty type who’ll probably say she wrote all Taylor Swift’s songs next. The opinion of random strangers online is good enough for me.
Scrap the entire public sector
When I was in hospital with a stomach ulcer, the doctor came round every morning, looked at a few charts and asked how I was feeling. He was barely on the ward for 20 minutes! That’s 90 grand a year for an hour and a half’s work a week! The sooner we scrap the entire wasteful public sector the better. Personally I’d get water companies to run hospitals. They get a lot of flak, but at least they know how to run a profitable business!
Boost the economy with hanging
We can give traditional industries like rope-making and woodworking a financial boost by bringing back hanging. It’s sustainable growth because the ropes wear out and sometimes snap when you’re hanging fatties. Admittedly this links our economic success as a nation directly to how many people we kill, but that shouldn’t be a problem. I can think of millions of people to execute, starting with paedos and shoplifters, then when we run out of them we can get started on the Remoaners.
