LOOKING to rent a room in one of Britain’s finest overpriced cities? Here are your options from bad to worse to somehow even worser.
Last refurbished in 1837
While a letting agent might like to call it historical, in this room a sneeze could shatter every item of rickety furniture and probably the ceiling. You’ll have a nice Victorian fireplace, but it’ll be boarded up with chipboard or occupied by a knackered 1960s gas boiler. If you notice yourself getting gradually stupider, don’t worry, it’s just the lead pipes.
Thousands of rules
It’s a totally average room, but sadly the owner is a delusional tyrant who thinks he’s charitably letting you live in his beloved luxury suite. You’re constantly terrified of getting kicked out because you listened to music or didn’t request written permission before hanging up a shirt in the wardrobe. Great if you like living life on the edge.
Flatmates who want you to be besties
These fabulous friends want an incredibly specific person to complete their circle – someone who is sociable, but not overly friendly, clean, but not obsessively so, and not a party person but will attend the odd soiree. Being assessed for having the right ‘vibes’ is actually far worse than a credit check, but later you realise it was all totally unnecessary because they’re friendless, neurotic, socially-dysfunctional wankers.
Repurposed cupboard
Factory farm chickens are legally required to have more space than this. Claustrophobia aside, it’s just not feasible to store all of your life in the five inches of space between the bed and the door. Or maybe this is the new normal of modern living and you’re a trendsetter for keeping your plates under the bed by your shoes.
Sinister live-in landlord
Instead of a flatmate, this depressing box room comes with an owner resentful that they need you to pay their bills. Best case scenario: they complain about normal activities like you getting in at 11pm and still have the nerve to drink your milk. Worst case: they are a genuine creep convinced they can financially trap people into loving them. Maybe you could grow fond of their nasal hair and Demis Roussos LPs?
Ludicrously expensive
Not only has this room got a bed, but it miraculously has space for at least two other (small) pieces of furniture as well. Jackpot! However, it will cost 80 per cent of your salary and is still an hour away from where you work. Time to try and remember the redeeming qualities of your parents.
