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Snow magical until you have to be out in it

THE wonderful carpet of white blanketing the land and falling in fat flakes from the sky is all well and good until you need to walk somewhere, Britons have confirmed.

Flurries of snow across the UK have seen the country enraptured by the whirling dance of ice crystals until they need to pop out to Spar for milk, at which point they realise it is just very, very cold water.

Susan Traherne of Bexhill said: “Basically, as a British person, I don’t trust weather. It’s hurt me too many times before.

“But snow has a way of getting past my defences what with its rarity, its associations with Christmas, and how pretty it makes our out-of-town retail estates and fly-tipped lay-bys by covering them in a blanket of white.

“However, that doesn’t survive actual contact with snow. It gets in your face, it gets down your neck, it’s the only weather Crocs aren’t suitable for, and as soon as it makes contact you’re wet and cold and calling it a bastard.”

James Bates of Crewe agreed: “There is something eerily beautiful about the spray of snow from the rear wheels of the van ahead, until it brakes suddenly and you run into it. At which point the beauty ends and the recriminations begin.

“Also, no two snowflakes are identical, but you have to admit they’re pretty f**king similar.”

Air-kissing, and other things that might not be sexual harassment but are f**king annoying

A JUDGE in Croydon has ruled that air-kissing is not sexual harassment. So which other friendly gestures aren’t criminal but remain incredibly irritating?

Cheek pat

The cheek pat must be the only move used by both doting grannies who wish to express their affection, and hardened gangsters in scary pubs who are giving you one last chance before they glass you. Either way, it’s not welcome. Although you’d probably prefer it from a friendly old lady than Ronnie Kray, given the choice.

Fist bump

In the good old days, if someone came at you with their fist raised, you’d either duck or lamp them one in anticipation of being punched yourself. Nowadays, however, they’re inviting you to join them in a chummy gesture of self-congratulation. You know you look like a twat, and you deserve it for stooping so low as to take part in this kind of wankery. Especially if you incongruously blurt out: ‘Dude!’

Double-handed handshake

Handshakes are weird enough when you think about it, because who wants to grasp the clammy palm of a stranger who may well not have bothered to wash it when they last took a shit or picked their nose? But it’s worse if they go a step further and fully enclose your hand with both of theirs. You’re only meeting someone at a f**k-boring work conference, not joining a Baphomet cult. The only saving grace is that they’ve saved you the bother of having to find out some other way that they’re a bit of a bellend.

Slightly-too-long hug

This gesture is mainly – and correctly – associated with lonely men who only otherwise get touched by the dentist. However, it is also beloved of annoying middle-aged ladies at work who feel sorry for you for some condescending reason like you’re single or missed out on a promotion you don’t actually care about that much. But whoever does it, you will feel uncomfortable and want them to get their f**king paws off you ASAP.

Hand on the small of the back

This one is a favourite of the kind of man who professes to be puzzled that women don’t appreciate ‘chivalry’ anymore. It’s not only patronising to be gently pushed in the right direction like an escaped cow, it also feels suspiciously like you’re being felt up by someone who’s realised they can – sadly – no longer pinch bums in a ‘fun’ way like in Carry On films. So he settles for a guiding hand on the small of your back, thinking he’s like James Bond when actually the vibes are still very much Sid James.

Shoulder massage

Ever had someone give you an unsolicited shoulder massage? They’re probably trying to relax you when you seem tense and upset, but it will only ever feel creepy, thereby making you tense about that on top of whatever predicament you’re in to begin with. Or they will have bony, claw-like fingers which crush your shoulders and make you wince. You can live without a massage from Zelda off Terrahawks, thanks, and as with all these friendly, comforting invasions of your personal space, you’ll wish they’d just f**k off. 

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