THE bestselling albums of 2024 have been announced, and they prove today’s music is rubbish compared to what dads listened to in their youth. Let’s compare totally different things.
The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess vs Led Zeppelin III
Chappell Roan must kneel before the mighty hammer of Zep. While her synth-pop tunes address issues such as boys not committing to teenage romances, the album completely fails to be dad-friendly classic rock like Gallows Pole. Worse, not one track has the air guitar and singalong opportunities of Immigrant Song with its thudding riff and superlative ‘ARRR-EEE-YARRR!’ bit.
Brat vs The Dark Side of the Moon
Charli XCX’s mistake is to focus on having fun in the summer instead of thematically-linked songs about madness such as On the Run, with its groundbreaking use of a 1972 Synthi AKS keyboard with unsettling Doppler effect. If Charlotte wants to be taken seriously as a dad artist she needs to stop writing lyrics like ‘When I go to the club, I wanna hear those club classics/ Club classics, club, club classics’ and try something more along the lines of: ‘Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.’ Much more relatable.
The Highlights vs Parklife
This bestselling greatest hits album by The Weeknd has a strong 80s vibe thanks to tracks like Blinding Lights, bringing back pleasing memories as diverse as Vangelis and Airwolf. However Blur’s iconic album Parklife brings back even happier memories of going to uni, taking loads of drugs and losing your virginity. You also got a handy 2:1 in History from a Russell Group university, so no contest, really.
The Tortured Poets Department vs Revolver
Taylor Swift’s prolific songwriting skills are not in dispute, and she makes very watchable videos for dads, but with this album she somehow failed to produce a record widely considered the greatest of all time containing a statistically improbable number of classic songs including, but not limited to, She Said She Said, Taxman, Eleanor Rigby, Yellow Submarine, and Tomorrow Never Knows, and which is the result of a rare collaboration between three immensely talented songwriters at their creative peaks, plus Ringo. Must try harder, Taylor.
Hit Me Hard and Soft vs Nevermind
Billie Eilish has got a long way to go to be as good as Nirvana, but at 23 she’s got time. Songs like Lunch are quite catchy, but her album suffers from the problem of just being really glum. Kurt Cobain was so glum he blew his head off with a shotgun, but he still managed to rock out with classics like Smells Like Teen Spirit and In Bloom. Maybe Billie could recruit Dave Grohl for her next album? A reliable dad figure like Dave would probably be only too eager to help.
Short N’ Sweet vs The Wall
Obviously Sabrina Carpenter is wonderful, but she prefers to write songs about cute boys than 81-minute slabs of progressive rock detailing the mental collapse of a rock star traumatised by the death of his father in WW2 who uses fascism to construct a psychological ‘wall’ around his frail inner self, Pink. Also, all of Sabrina’s frothy R&B-lite aimed at teenage girls would definitely be improved by a 12-minute Dave Gilmour guitar solo.
