Aries, March 21st–April 19th
A little-known fact about fighting on the roof of a train is you must also then reach reconciliation on the same roof of the same train.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
“We’ve not been going out long, so I bought him a Porsche Carrera for Christmas. Oh f**k, is that too much?”
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
In Scotland they call New Year ‘Hog Money’. It’s a time when they give all their hard-earned cash to a massive, threatening pig called Hamish.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
…and here’s the little pile of presents that are being taken back.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Millennials and Gen-Z are famously too shy to talk on the phone. If you want to hear their thoughts and voices, you have to listen to their podcasts.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
How do posh women get into interior design? Do they just move a lamp and go ‘Woah, I’m good at this.’
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Why not ditch your Christmas tree out behind the shed today, to beat the January rush?
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Weird that Simon is a biblical name but I guess there were twats knocking about then, too.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
‘Now which is meant to be the decent one, OBE or MBE?’ is a great way to belittle those who have either.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
When pantomime stars throw sweets at the audience, they’re reaching four per cent of the audience who catch perhaps 12 per cent of the sweets. The inefficiency is off the scale.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
“You’d imagine mining communities were glad Thatcher shut down their pits. It sounds like an awfully dirty and dangerous way to make a living.”
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
War is over, if you’re not fussed either way.
