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No more fact-checking, promises horse-f**ker Mark Zuckerberg

META boss Mark Zuckerberg, who enjoys regular sexual congress with thoroughbred horses at his Palo Alto home, has told his platforms to drop fact-checking. 

The Facebook founder, who uses both a stepladder and a suspended harness for his bestial acts, said third-party moderators were too ‘politically biased’ and it was ‘time to get back to… free expression’ before slapping a flank and plunging in.

He continued: “The Trump presidency means social media must be an arena in which there is no penalty for stating whatever invented accusation you favour. Whoa there, girl!

“We’re in a post-truth era – okay, that feels great, let’s move her up to a canter – and this change reflects that. From now on you can say whatever you like about public figures and they’ll be smiling and fine with it. Hand me the whip.

“No accusation is too base, unfounded or scurrilous for our website and I urge everyone to let loose. How much have we got from the studs for this afternoon? Five pints? I’ll down it in one.

“It’s a free speech revolution that can’t possibly have any drawbacks. And, can I add, take that you prancing little dressage slut. Mm.”

He added: “This is nothing to do with why Nick Clegg left. He was investigating the erotic possibilities of the Shetland pony which is a journey I cannot take, though I wish him well.”

'Start, you absolute twat' car warning issued across the UK

THE Met Office has issued desperate, tearful pleading with your car warnings for huge swathes of the country.

As an Arctic blast sweeps the country and temperatures plummet to -16C, the Met Office has issued a red frustration warning for car owners who will spend 20 minutes chiselling ice from their windscreens before they go anywhere.

A Met Office spokesperson said: “We told you all not to travel unless absolutely necessary. But you ignored our advice to get to your terrible jobs, instead sitting behind misted windscreens screaming at your ignition for not doing its usual thing.

“Driving on icy roads is a secondary hazard. You’ll be lucky to get that far. The real danger is biting your steering wheel in a bezerker fury while your engine turns over again and again in an empty car park.

“The chorus of irate expletives will be strongest in the north where temperatures are at their lowest, but even across civilised areas in the south you will hear men earning six figures shout ‘start you useless piece of clapped-out shit’ until they pass out.

“We recommend in such circumstances that motorists try the ignition repeatedly, no matter how fruitless, while red-faced with rage. It won’t work but it might attract the attention of the kind of man who has jump leads.”

Boss and motorist Tom Booker said: “Do any of the colleagues I’ve alienated during my long career as an office arsehole want to gather around and give my car a push? No?”

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