Aries, March 21st–April 19th
It’s quicker to ask which TV presenters WON”T be outed as nonces in 2025. Attenborough and Cunk. That’s it.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. Get your f**king facts right, Spielberg.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Your New Year’s resolution is to go to the gym. You did, then you came back. All it takes is willpower.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Women are such hypocrites. Your girlfriend always wants some of your chips, but when you shag her sister she’s not into sharing anymore.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
It turns out that if you’re not a benny tied to a post, you’re a benny on the loose. You won’t be falling for that at your next job interview.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
You can’t help but wonder if Virgo was into Warhammer.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
You’re only a failure by the standards of people. Foxes think you’re really successful because you only eat out of bins occasionally. And not many worms have passed their driving test.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st
An easy way to remember which months have 30 days is to learn this simple rhyme:
31 days hath October,
But not February or September,
The first’s got 29 or 28,
Then apart from August, July, December, March, January and May,
They’ve all got 31, minus one day.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
As Billy Idol famously said, it’s a nice day for a rice pudding.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
On Antiques Roadshow people often claim that elderly aristocrats gave valuable items to their servant ancestors. So they just said ‘Here, have this this priceless Constable’ did they? With no witnesses. Sure they did, you genetically-descended thieving, murdering bastards!
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
If carrier pigeons have got such a brilliant sense of direction why don’t they stop scrounging and get a job with Amazon?
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
‘At least 2025 can’t be any worse than 2024!’ you joke, bravely. You’ve obviously not heard about the rapidly-spreading epidemic of spontaneous penis combustion.