FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has no option but to sell his old clothes or they will be given away for free

Wagwan? This week woz clapped, fam. Man told parentdem dat Active J woz goin’ to a brand drop an’ woz gonna get loads of free merch drip. Parentdem sed den Joshua ‘ad to ditch him’s old fit as there woz no room for any more. Even da drip dat Active J woz savin’ to accept man’s MOBO award, innit.

Man sed to just buy a fifth wardrobe an’ more display cabinets for man’s nang trainers in him’s second cribroom. Dem sed no, still. Active J woz turbo-vexed, fam. Parentdem sed if Joshua doesn’t get rid of him’s retro drip, dem’s will take it to da charity shop.

Active J ‘ad never heard of da charity shop brand, so man Googled an’ found it is shops where old ladies take drip for free an’ sell it to random brand muggles for pennies. You wot, fam? Dem ladies don’t heven wear da surgical gloves to protect drip from dem’s biscuit fingers, innit.

Knowin’ brand muggles wud be goin’ to Hasda in man’s North Face pre-lockdown hoodies an’ Air Force made Active J bare sick in him’s mouth. Man would rather cremate him’s drip or bury it like treasure for a future Hindiana Jones roadman to find.

Lady G sed man should put heveryfink on Vinted, an app like a charity shop wivout da old ladies, dat sells straight to other bruv roadmen. So peng gyal helped man list him’s drip, but her sed man should use photos of da items only an’ not da photos of Active J bustin’ swag in da drip coz it wud make da buyers jealous. Her woz so right, fam.

Coz man’s drip woz so nang there woz uber-interest straight away. But man woz gettin’ bare messages from da buyers, askin’: ‘Is this authentic, bruv?’, an’ ‘Do you got da receipt for dis, cuz?’ Wot is you on habout, dickheads? Heveryone knows Active J wud never, hever wear snide drip, an’ why wud man keep receipts? Man is not a accountant.

Dem’s woz all takin’ da piss, an’ makin’ Active J chug double vape. Den dem’s woz all biddin’ a pound on heveryfink. Are you jokes? Active J cud not ‘ave been more hoffended.

One wasteman dickhead gave man da biggest diss hinsult, him sed Active J’s Jordan 3s looked like man ‘ad been playin’ football in dem! Let man tell you, fam! Never, hever ‘as Active J played football! Not even in all-white Dunlop deadman trainers, hespecially not him’s prize Jordan’s. Quality bossman roadmen do not use da hastroturf for its hintended purpose.

When da biddin’ hended parentdem ‘ad to post da drip, it woz too hard for Active J, fam. What even is a ‘post office’, bruv? Active J woz low when man met him’s crew at da brand drop, an’ Active J got no merch, nuffink! But dem’s all got fresh drip, an’ man sed dem’s woz takin’ da piss. But mandem crew showed da merch an’ it woz all Active J’s Vinted drip. Mandem crew woz all da dickheads dat woz vexin’ Active J an’ bought man’s drip. Gassed! Gassed! Gassed!

Man got him’s retro drip back an’ parentdem finked it woz merch. Pengest crew hever, innit.