subscribe
/ Sign Out

[Insert name] appoints [minister] as [cabinet post]

WHOEVER is currently prime minister has hastily offered some other minister a post in the cabinet after their predecessor dramatically resigned.

After a day of turmoil, Conservative MPs are unsure whether they will have woken up this morning to find themselves chancellor, home secretary or even had the keys to Number 10 stuffed through their front door in the night.

MP Francesca Johnson said: “I’ll admit it’s been a bit crazy. Liz Truss was outside the Commons lobby last night pointing at people saying ‘You there! Do you like growth? Say the word ‘growth’ and I’ll make you foreign secretary.

“And Suella Braverman admitted she’d breached the ministerial code on purpose because she’d placed a bet on herself to go next. She was grinning as she wrote that resignation letter, because she was £70 up.”

Senior Tory Denys Finch Hatton said: “Whips have been resigning and unresigning, there’s been screaming and shouting in the lobbies, it’s chaos. The PM even abstained from a vote of no confidence in herself, and I don’t f**king blame her.”

After reading a WhatsApp message, Hatton added: “Ah, ok, it’s my turn to be chancellor now. In that case I’d better form a fiscal plan… no, wait. I’ve already resigned.”

Bugsy Malone, and other plays your school made a f**king awful production of

WERE you involved in your school’s drama department? If so, you almost certainly starred in a terrible version of one of these shows.

The Pirates of Penzance

Singing opera is notoriously difficult and a chorus line of puberty-addled, broken-voiced teenagers singing with Cornish accents probably wasn’t what Gilbert & Sullivan had in mind for their show. But you were more interested in feeling up Mitzi from 9C in the wings anyway, so you didn’t give a toss that the audience was wincing.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

You had absolutely no idea what Shakespeare was wanging on about in this play, but did that stop your GCSE drama teacher from forcing you to perform it? Absolutely not. She regretted it though, as you and your immature mates refused to stop laughing because one of the characters is called ‘Bottom’.

The Importance of Being Earnest

Humour doesn’t tend to age well, so having an entire A-level drama class trying their best to make this 19th century comedy funny was difficult, to say the least. Oscar Wilde would be spinning in his grave listening to a surly youth endlessly mangle the inflection on the classic, yet simple, line: ‘A handbag?’

Bugsy Malone

Nobody wants to hear a dozen 14-year-olds attempt to sing show tunes in a terrible New York accent, yet that’s what your school saw fit to inflict on your parents. The film is excellent, but this shoddy rendition of it wasn’t, especially after the children-with-guns element was removed due to it not being 1976 anymore.

Grease

Are teenage pregnancy, illegal car races and unprotected sex suitable themes for a secondary school production? Who cares, the songs are brilliant! Unfortunately, your school was a billion miles away from producing a talent like John Travolta or Olivia Newton John, so your family had to sit through some embarrassed teenagers shuffling and mumbling their way through ‘Summer Nights’ instead.

Next story ›