THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.
During Williamson’s stint as education secretary, the unnamed spad forgot to knock before entering his office and found him hunched over the spider’s hairy abdomen “in an obvious state of arousal”.
He said: “That tarantula – Caligula, I think he called it – always creeped me out. Nothing could prepare me for this though. I still get nightmares about all those horrible hairy legs and Williamson saying, ‘You like it, don’t you? Oh yeah.’
“He was clearly giving the spider a good rimming. It kind of puts the Boris blowjob story into perspective, but I don’t know what to expect next. Truss making a male sex doll out of cheese? She’s weird enough. She’d probably be gutted when he went mouldy.”
A government spokesman said: “The spider incident categorically did not happen, but when we’re forced to admit it did I would point out it is common for tarantula owners to groom their pets with their tongue.
“When that lie also unravels, the fact remains that whatever happened between Williamson and the spider was entirely consensual, and turns my stomach far less than the thought of Matt Hancock having normal sex with a human woman.”
Williamson – who no one can quite believe is now Sir Gavin – was unavailable for comment due to being on holiday with friends in a vivarium.
