I BELIEVE there is a better way to select the next prime minister: a marathon session of the popular tabletop wargame Warhammer 40k.
Instead of this long, inefficient process of TV interviews, stage-managed factory visits and awkward encounters with poor people, I propose a battle to the death between my trusty Imperial Space Marines and an army of robotic Necron warriors commanded by Keir Starmer.
The skills required for Warhammer – a strategic mind, attention to detail, not being distracted by girls – are precisely what a prime minister needs, and more importantly I feel it will move the debate on from distractions like why we’re still not deporting anyone despite apparently doing nothing of any value whatsoever in the last five years.
Admittedly the initial reaction to my plan was mixed. ‘For Christ’s sake don’t mention this to anyone,’ my media advisor Georgina said. ‘People already think you’re a tragic nerd who spends all his time wanking over Princess Leia. That’s what the last YouGov poll said, anyway.’
Undeterred, this morning I informed all major news outlets that I am challenging Starmer to six games of Warhammer, with the number of enemy units killed used as a tiebreaker in the event of a draw. The winner gets 10 Downing Street and therefore can be prime minister for as long as they like.
I feel Warhammer will allow voters to see the real me, manfully towering over my 1:56 scale figures as I get out my tape measure and carefully work out if my enemies are within range, then unleash a deadly volley of fire with skilfully rolled dice.
As Starmer’s Necron hordes take damage and fall, the minor missteps of my premiership will be forgotten. Crowds will fill the streets chanting ‘Rishi! Rishi!’ and Starmer won’t be able to bully me like he does at Prime Minister’s Questions. I hope Sophie Ridge from Sky is there. She’s pretty.
So let’s set a date. If Sir Keir refuses to face me in TV debates, let him pit his Triarch Stalkers against my Predator tanks. Finally Britain can see me as the charismatic, alpha male leader of Space Marines that I really am.
