How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May

THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.

Drink and drugs

Go on an insane Hunter S. Thompson-style bender fuelled by LSD, heroin and Tesco own-brand gin. After a year your life will have fallen apart but you’ll be oblivious to the latest gripping wrangles over the Northern Ireland ‘backstop’.

Become an up-yourself TV political correspondent

Nick Robinson, Laura Kuenssberg, Robert Peston – these twats love pontificating about Westminster politics while conveying very little worthwhile information. However they are very well paid and probably even get groupies. Give it a go.

Have no news media

This basically means getting rid of your TV and computer and never buying or even looking at a newspaper. You’ll be a social pariah who can’t discuss shows like Bodyguard with your mates in the pub, but they’ll be fascinated by the fact that you’ve finally finished Anna Karenina.

Have your short-term memory removed

With no short-term memory, May yet again returning from Brussels with the same crap Brexit deal will seem like fresh and exciting news, not the tedious version of Groundhog Day it really is.

NHS doctors are unlikely to agree to this risky cranial procedure, so you’ll probably have to go to a dodgy surgeon in Bolivia and possibly be turned into a vegetable, but it’s worth the risk.

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'Turn that f**king Christmas song off' declares any rational human being

ANY sane human should immediately demand that Christmas songs be turned off, scientists have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found it was entirely normal to reject Christmas tunes after decades of being punished by mediocre sing-song hits, often involving sleigh bells.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “With the days leading up to Christmas being a full-on deluge of shit you’ve heard about 2,000 times before it’s reasonable not to want to hear them again.

“Commercials are already playing them, as are do-gooder carol singers in the foyers of every shopping centre across the country, so why add to the pain by listening to them by choice?

“Next time someone in the office starts playing that bloody Mariah Carey song you are well within your rights to throw the radio out of the window without further explanation.

“If they ask why, tell them science said you could. Although don’t do it if it’s that one about stopping the cavalry. That’s alright.”

Christmas song fan Emma Bradford said: “Just like the song says, I too wish it could be Christmas every day.

“By which I mean, cold, wet and surrounded by people who generally annoy me.”

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