TODAY local elections will be held around the country which, because of some Tory bollocks, you will not be able to vote in. Here’s how it will work:
At 12pm you visit your local primary school to punish whichever local candidate belongs to the national party you like least. An old lady informs you photographic ID is required.
Show the lady your polling card. She explains this is not photographic ID because it does not have a photograph on. Ask when this bullshit started. She explains the Conservatives brought it in because of unevidenced hypothetical voter fraud.
Show your work pass. She explains this is not valid and lists accepted ID which you have never in your life heard of, especially the PASS card and Voter Authority Certificate. You do not have a driving licence but do have a passport.
Head home. Look for your passport. Realise that you last had it for a family holiday in 2021 and it is at your mum’s house. Call mum to check. She confirms it is safe in the bureau.
Head back to polls with expired Oyster card from when you lived in London, dimly recalling that on the list. Your voting intention has changed in the last three hours to ‘whoever kicks these bastards out’.
Show the lady your Oyster card. She explains this is not valid ID because you are not over 60. Explain that is discriminatory against young people. She nods.
Furious, burn your polling card outside the polling station for a photographer from the local newspaper who does not get the shot because he is 85 and using a 30-year-old camera. He apologises then goes in to vote.
Go home. Sulk. Vow to get whatever is needed for the next election so you can fulfil your intentions re. the bastards, as above.
