THE UK is out on its own as a major economy facing recession, and out on its own due to a choice made some years earlier. How are you pretending the two are unrelated?
Jeremy Hunt, chancellor, aged 56
“I underwent inexpert laser surgery on those areas of my brain concerning the word you said which means I cannot hear the word, know it, or recognise the force it exerts on the economy. To me it’s as mysterious as dark matter. We should all be like this.”
Donna Sheridan, retail worker, aged 32
“There can’t be anything up with Brexit because I voted for it, so what I do is say they’ve got Brexit wrong. That idiot politicians who never truly understood the power and majesty of Brexit have ruined it while the Brexit of my intentions remains shining and pure. It’s great because I can never be proved wrong. I got the idea off communists.”
Emma Bradford, Daily Mail writer, aged 42
“What I’ve done is returned to the old standby of claiming a low-tax high-growth economy will solve everything, even though that idea was thoroughly discredited by Liz Truss not four full months ago and surely people remember. It’s ridiculous, humiliating and doomed to failure, but anything rather than knock Brexit.”
Norman Steele, Brexit and UKIP voter, aged 68
“For me it’s a matter of personal respect. I backed Brexit, I’m old and my blood pressure’s through the roof, so why upset me by blaming Brexit? Why would you pick on the poor old folks who just wanted their 1950s back? It’s your duty to not link this shit economy we’ve got now with the thing I like, or I might cry.”
Tim Martin, Wetherspoons owner, aged 67
“I’m firing off blame wildly. VAT on food, drinkers staying home, lazy staff, too much prestige TV these days, long Covid, solar flares, and the shifting magnetic north are all excuses I’ve shot off. Otherwise I’d be admitting the policy I campaigned long and hard for has made me look a total dickhead. No-one must ever know.”
Roy Hobbs, fishmonger, aged 51
“Not bothering mate. Even though I voted for Brexit I’m cheerfully turning around, saying ‘that Brexit turned out to be shit innit’ and accepting no responsibility. ‘We made a mistake and we need to get back in the EU,’ I say casually to liberal types grinding their teeth. ‘Still, live and learn don’tcha?’ I add.”
