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Government finds the one single thing that Brexit won’t f**k up

THE government has triumphantly announced that one small sector of the British economy will not be adversely affected by Brexit.

An impact report found that the fantasy role-playing game industry will suffer no disruption, despite sectors such as manufacturing, finance and agriculture going to shit.

Foreign secretary Dominic Raab said: “This is excellent news for lovers of dice-based tabletop games involving dwarves and completely vindicates our decision to go ahead with Brexit.

“Introverted dweebs can rest assured there will be no shortages of Dungeons & Dragons paraphernalia in the small number of fantasy games shops across the UK. Warhammer will similarly unaffected.

“The niche nature of the industry shields it from economic upheaval. That and the fact that people who buy D&D figures have literally nothing else to spend their money on.”

Games Workshop franchise owner Martin Bishop said: “I was worried I’d have to arrange emergency shipments of small metal orcs, wizards and balrogs from Kenya.

“It’s a huge relief. The only better news I can imagine is finding out I’m going to lose my virginity.”

However economist Donna Sheridan said: “I’m afraid the government has miscalculated. Tariffs and higher raw material costs will mean a single goblin will cost £193.”

The embarrassing dad's guide to meeting boyfriends and girlfriends

INTERACTING with your teenage son or daughter’s partner is a complex challenge for dads. Here’s how to make it less of a total disaster.

Don’t look as if you’re chatting up your son’s girlfriend

You may just be being friendly in an inept way, but it can come across as creepy and throws up horrific hypothetical issues, eg. how would you go through a bitter divorce while going out with a 17-year-old and being hated by your son and still have quality ‘shed time’?

Note: If you are shagging your son’s girlfriend get family counselling or a good agent because you’ll get better fees from reality TV. 

Avoid tedious trips down Memory Lane

If you find yourself saying “When your mum and I were courting…” FOR CHRIST’S SAKE STOP IMMEDIATELY. No one wants to hear an event-free anecdote about a day-trip to Rhyl in your Ford Fiesta.

Don’t assume your daughter’s boyfriend is evil

If your daughter’s boyfriend turns up with a machete stuffed into his trackie bottoms and six mobile phones on which he keeps informing people that he plans to “fuck them up”, you are justified in thinking he may be bad boyfriend material.

If, however, he seems like a polite, normal sixth-former who’s quite into FIFA on his PlayStation, he may be just that and not planning for your beloved daughter to become a crack addict/prostitute/drug mule.

Remember they are probably not planning to have a baby

Warning your daughter that “It won’t be much fun at university if you’ve got a baby” is probably a little premature if she’s only been seeing her boyfriend for three weeks and they prefer texting to meeting in real life anyway.

It’s equally bad in a different way to assume your son is leading an active sex life when he’s been going out with someone for a year and the only bedroom action he’s seen is hotmilfteachers.com.

Don’t suddenly turn into a Victorian dad

“And how do you plan to support my daughter?” is a weird thing to say in the 21st century. However it will get rid of boring teenage boyfriends hanging round your house talking about their plans after De Montfort University.

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