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Dominic Cummings is your new stepdad

DOMINIC Cummings, the chief adviser to the prime minister, is at your mum’s house and has announced he is your new stepfather. 

Cummings was confirmed as your mum’s new husband yesterday and began his new role by telling you all the new house rules you must follow that he will ignore.

Will McKay said: “Suddenly he was just there, looming in the background of a Zoom call, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“He’s moved in, he’s cleared out my old room because he needs it as an office and all my stuff’s in storage, and apparently it’s ‘my way or the highway’.

“I’ve already had a lecture from him about not borrowing the car again and the hand-sanitising routine I have to follow to sit in the garden, while he has Michael Gove round for beers in the kitchen.

“I pointed out the hypocrisy to my mum but she just told me that she expected better and acted like I was being the unreasonable one while he nodded.”

Cummings then put his arm round your mum and gave her a big wet kiss on the cheek before smiling at you for no apparent reason.

Fatter… or pregnant? Can you solve the co-worker mystery?

YOU’VE not seen your colleague since March. But is she in the early stages of pregnancy or did she hit the lockdown cake too hard? Find out:

You offer her a slice of cheesecake. Does she:

A) Go queasily green and say ‘Oh God, cheese. As a cake. I’ve never thought about it before but that’s so disgusting’
B) Accept it and tell you that she had to make a special trip to the household waste recycling centre for her Gü ramekins

You ask what she’s been doing under lockdown. Does she: 

A) Gesture at her swollen stomach and say ‘Isn’t it obvious?’
B) Gesture at her swollen stomach and say ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

You screen a training video. Does she:

A) Start crying at the bit where the man hasn’t filled in a risk assessment form and is crushed by a box of A4, and have to go home
B) Fall asleep as soon as the lights are dimmed and snore loudly throughout

The boss has laid out some free end-of-work socially-distanced drinks. Does she:

A) Sigh, stare into the middle distance, and mutter ‘That’s how I got in this situation in the first place. That and Normal People’
B) Leap up mid-email, knock back the lot and barely seem affected

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your co-worker has seen lockdown as the perfect opportunity to create a new life. How wonderful and, perhaps by the time her baby grows up, women won’t feel so judged on their appearance! And perhaps there won’t be so many impossibly tasty varieties of crisps.

Mostly Bs: Your co-worker has seen lockdown as the perfect opportunity to live her best life. How wonderful and, in a world in which a deadly pathogen could take you down at any moment, why not?

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