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Do you have any idea what Rishi Sunak stands for? Take our quiz

HE’S the prime minister supposedly with a mandate from the people, but do you have any idea what Rishi Sunak actually stands for? Take our fiendish quiz.

Will he reintroduce austerity?

A) Rishi, tight with money? No way. He chucked us all a few quid during lockdown and his billionaire missus has got cash to spare so he’ll probably be really generous with public spending. Definitely.

B) Yes, and it will be much worse than the last decade. Pundits will have to make up a stupid new word for it like ‘skintpocalypse’.

What’s his triple-lock pensions policy?

A) It’ll rise with inflation as promised, d’uh. He wouldn’t want to alienate the Tories’ core voting demographic of penny-pinching old f**kers.

B) He hasn’t stated it yet, which means he’s probably going to find some way to undo it. He’ll blame it on Putin or the cost of living crisis or the EU, whichever is more convenient at the time.

Is he for or against flying people to Rwanda?

A) Against, surely? Only someone really evil like Priti Patel would support such a thing, and it’s not like the diet version of her has just returned to cabinet after a brief suspension.

B) He’s totally for it. Why else do you think he invited Suella Braverman back to join his cabinet? Christ knows it’s not because she’s competent.

What’s his stance on Brexit?

A) On what? God, it’s been so long since the news has mentioned that. Probably because it’s going so well we don’t need to worry about it. Er, I dunno. Pass.

B) He’s a Leaver who thinks being out of the EU will unlock the country’s full potential. Judging by the results so far, he wildly overestimated Britain’s potential.

What’s his one, singular personality trait?

A) He’s a bit of a nerd who loves Star Wars. I bet The Empire Strikes Back is his favourite because he seems like a smart guy with good taste.

B) He’s a bit of a nerd who loves Star Wars. I bet The Rise of Skywalker is his favourite because he seems like a misguided idiot who probably thought the Emperor coming back was ‘sick as’.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, you haven’t got a clue what Rishi Sunak stands for. You’re free to go about your day in peace without buckling under the stress of our doomed collective future.

Mostly Bs: Sorry, sounds like you’ve kept up to date with the news and can look past Rishi Sunak’s slick if very boring public image. Yes, he’s about to usher in a new era of austerity and reduced public spending, but at least he wants to ban fracking, eh?

The middle class guide to feeling great about donating to food banks

WANT to feel good about yourself but can’t be arsed with yoga? Here Waitrose shopper Charlotte Phelps explains why she’s never felt better since discovering her local food bank.

You are basically Jesus

Keep this to yourself, but you’re like Jesus feeding the five thousand. One minute they have no food, then along comes the Messiah and hey presto! A large bag of pasta and some tinned carrots. I doubt God exists, but if he does he’ll be noting down my purchases, which pretty much guarantees getting into Heaven.

It’s good exercise

If you donate in person you’ll be bending and stretching to reach the tins of food in the supermarket, then carrying them to the car – great for toning your upper arms. Then you’ve got to press the pedals on the Land Rover Defender, and who doesn’t want nice trim calves? It’s a gentle all-body workout. Obviously you shouldn’t donate food just for the exercise – it’s great for getting one up on those bitches on the school run too.

You don’t have to meet the poor people 

I feel I’ve discharged my responsibilities to the poor, so I don’t need to endure their witless, ungrammatical conversations about Love Island or immigration or dog fighting or whatever they talk about. Also, and I don’t like to say this, but I will: lice.

You can make the uneducated eat properly for once

I’m weaning the underclass off their chicken stegosauruses by donating upmarket foods such as quince jelly and wild red salmon (fortunately they only accept tinned, because Waitrose smoked would test anyone’s generosity at £7 a pop). I get them the cheap Tesco mascarpone sauce, as the spicy Nduja version would probably scare them and they’ll be back to square one with their McWhopper Twizlet Burgers.

My conscience feels great!

Sometimes I get a niggling feeling that my expensive private education and wealthy parents have somehow given me an unfair advantage in life. But then I donate to the food bank and my conscience is back in peak condition, and all for just three quids’ worth of baked beans with curious little sausages in.

It might save your life

Okay, this is a bit paranoid, but I’ve seen enough films about the French Revolution to know the peasants are sympathetic to aristocrats who’ve been nice to them. If there’s a bloody revolution here I’ll just say ‘But I donate tinned ham and Weetabix to the food bank!’ and they’ll let me slip away quietly instead of putting me on the tumbril to the guillotine.

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