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Britain so pleased we're doing this First Lady bullshit

THE UK is uniformly delighted that after years of not doing this American White House First Lady bollocks, we now apparently are. 

Claims that newlywed Carrie Johnson will be representing the UK as First Lady at the G7 summit next week have thrilled Britons who are huge fans of easily the most bullshit part of American politics, which is saying something.

Bill McKay of Bangor said: “We have a First Lady now. Well isn’t that just f**king great.

“I did think British politics was all the worse for not endlessly speculating on the deeper meaning of a wife’s fashion choices and never pitting rival women’s cookie recipes against each other. It’s what we were missing.

“What happened to the old tradition of prime minister’s spouses keeping out of it? All you knew about Theresa May’s fella was he emptied the bins and that seemed more than enough.

“Yeah Cherie Blair was in the news but only because she bugged us. Otherwise spouses followed the classic Denis Thatcher model of doorstep support and discreet daytime drinking.

“What’s Carrie’s role? Showing the other wives around Cornwall? Wonderful. Six bottles of prosecco in and it’ll be the WAGs in Baden-Baden all over again.”

Five holier-than-thou educational half-term pastimes

ARE you The Smugs? Are your children spending a half-term full of improving activities? Eleanor Shaw provides five aspirational pastimes to shame other families: 

Themed arts and crafts

Making an alligator from an egg-box? No. No, my Isabella and Duncan get an extra couple of layers of education slathered on top, like sculpting Rosa Parks’s bus from papier mache or drawing using Stone Age materials. This week we’re learning about Jesus, Da Vinci and recycling by creating The Last Supper from a pair of old corduroy trousers.

Rewilding

Rewilding isn’t just for the environment, but for the soul. We’ll be spending the week on daily excursions to National Trust properties to see deer roam as our prehistoric forebears did, teaching Jelly and Dunco to treasure the environment and imagine a world not overrun with vaping and pornography.

Taking screen breaks

The children are fully digital-market ready, but there’s a time and place for screens and it’s in the squalid bedrooms of the less fortunate. We while away the time playing board games, finding eggshells and mushrooms in the garden, and performing little plays. TikTok is a theft of childhood and should be banned.

Volunteering at a soup kitchen

The offspring love working at our local soup kitchen, The Houseless Hummusman. He doles out delicious and nutritious vegan dishes to the poor rather than money they’d spend on drugs. We all put in a shift, because Tim and I invested £20,000 in the business and we need it back.

Extra schoolwork

There’s only so much learning that can be done at school because of the natural limitations of the teachers. A week is an eternity in a child’s education. They could learn a whole new language. Instead we’ve got a private tutor to help my Jelly with maths, because your SATS results determine your whole life.

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