Are you dense enough to believe Johnson will definitely resign this time?

BORIS Johnson has been giving a fixed penalty notice which should lead to his resignation, but are you dense enough to think it will actually happen? Take our quiz:

Do you exclusively read the Guardian?

A) Yes, and it’s always full of lengthy, agonised think pieces speculating on whether Johnson can survive his 356th scandal in a row, without ever coming to the obvious conclusion of ‘Yes’.
B) No, I read the Daily Express which says Boris is an amazing political god akin to Churchill and he’ll be Prime Minister forever.

Do you think Boris Johnson has any morals?

A) Surely, somewhere inside him he must realise what he’s doing to parliament and the country by constantly lying? Surely?
B) No, I never did. But that didn’t stop me from voting for him.

Do you think anyone else in the Conservative party has any morals?

A) They can’t all be corrupt, craven bastards, can they? Someone will step up and insist he goes, I know they will.
B) No, I never did. But it’s never stopped me from voting for them.

Have you noticed him getting caught for anything else?

A) Well, he illegally prorogued parliament, accepted an unlawful donation for some new wallpaper and lied to parliament repeatedly, so no. But I’m always hopeful.
B) No, and bloody good for him. He’s a Prime Minister who gets things done, even if he has to break a few little laws occasionally.

Do you believe in Father Christmas?

A) Yes, of course. Why are you asking that? Has there been a suggestion he isn’t real, or something?
B) No, but I guess a fat, jolly man taking all your nice things away and spreading misery makes Boris the anti-Father Christmas and I really believe in him.

Mostly A’s: You’re a credulous idiot who is in for a big disappointment. But it won’t stop you thinking he’ll definitely resign the next time he does something awful or illegal.

Mostly B’s: You’ve been well aware of Boris’ failings for years and know that even the most colossal f**k up wouldn’t lead him to fall on his sword. And what’s more, you don’t care.

'The eco mob' and other supremely irritating phrases only the Daily Mail uses

HAVE you noticed that the Daily Mail keeps using certain phrases to try and convince you they’re a real thing? Here’s some of their irritating linguistic programming:

The eco mob

Militant? Yes. Disruptive? Yes. A mob? No, a mob does things like dragging people out of their homes and lynching them. If you’ve got the slightest sense of perspective this ‘mob’ is ‘a small group of fairly determined green protesters’. They’re not coming at you with a noose because they’re all vegetarians and probably feel bad about hurting Linda McCartney sausages.

The woke mob

There sure are a lot of mobs terrorising Mail readers at the moment. The ‘woke mob’ is usually a bunch of students complaining about imperialism or JK Rowling. Who universities and publishers could just ignore. They wouldn’t be chasing Frankenstein’s monster with pitchforks, they’d be campaigning for safe spaces for the stitched-together corpse abomination community.

The Blob

A cabal of teachers, unions and local government staff who try to undermine Tory education policy at every turn. Yes, let’s all believe in a daft conspiracy theory invented by noted twat Michael Gove. Ignores the fact that (A) teachers may have perfectly legitimate grievances, and (B) they’re too busy getting Zoey another pen because she deliberately keeps losing hers and stopping Callum thumping Jaycen for being a ‘batty boy’.

The silent majority

A little-used phrase now, possibly because it was popularised by Richard Nixon in a speech 53 years ago. Although that’s nothing in Daily Mail terms, where WW2 practically happened last week. The original meaning of ‘people who quietly hold moderate views’ is also lost. The Mail’s silent majority is better described as: bigoted suburban fascists who hate everyone and everything and probably think the birds on their back lawn are scrounging bastards.

Piling on the PDAs

There seems to be a rule that any story about celebrity couples must include the phrase ‘piling on the PDAs’ (public displays of affection). Presumably if a reporter instead writes ‘kissed several times’ they’re taken to the basement to have their fingers broken. Of course there’d be far fewer embarrassing PDAs if the Mail’s paparazzi weren’t constantly stalking Z-list slebs.

Marxist

Marxism is a specific political philosophy concerned with class struggle and replacing capitalism. The Mail uses it more in the sense of ‘any lefty bastard’. It’s assumed that all Marxists do evil things, from setting up gulags to not loving proper comedy like Dad’s Army. Thus Jeremy Corbyn is a Marxist. Jon Snow probably qualifies. The Mail has even referred to ’Marxist teachers’. Yes, PE teachers are notorious for spending their free periods arguing about dialectical materialism.

The thought police

Mail readers are probably more familiar with Nineteen Eighty-Four than any other book. The only problem is they don’t understand it. By now they must think there are actual police forces with titles like the Greater Manchester Thought Constabulary, all waiting to kick your door in at 3am because you haven’t ‘taken the knee’ recently.