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Google's vision of the future

An exclusive extract from The New Digital Age, by Eric Schmidt and Jared Cohen, the men who run Google.

Hi. I’m Eric.

Hi, I’m Jared in bold. This is how all books will be written in the future, like cut and pasted instant messenger chats.

Let’s crack on.

Right. We already know everything about you. Where you’ve been, who you know, what you think. We know about your health, work, home finances and dreams. We can even single out your stool from a million others with the latest Fecal Recognition technology. And that’s today, so just imagine what we’re capable of in twenty years time?

Yeah, we’re going to turn you into cyborg automatons unquestioningly obeying our every command.

Kidding!

Works every time. No chillax guys, we’re going to be super cool with the incredible power we’ll wield over the entire world. Getting corrupted by power is so American.

Don’t you mean Googlican?

Exactly. We’re renaming America in 2023. Anyway, what would a 70-year-old tech boss rejuvenated by bio-digital body parts want with total dominion and a harem of the most beautiful women on the planet anyway?

Beats me. So tell them about the future Eric.

Well, driverless cars, wearable computers, holograms and a device embedded in your heel of your shoe that gives you a gentle pinch – a reminder that you must swear allegiance to The Cloud or you will be deleted.

Ooo sounds harsh! What do you mean deleted Eric?

Erased from history like a spelling mistake. The press of one button and as far as the world is concerned you don’t exist.

Oh yeah I remember!  We can and will do that.

The beauty of The Cloud is that it’s a planet-ruling hive mind with an innocuous-sounding name. If it was called Skynet everyone would be freaking out. It’s like Google, which sounds like a friendly clown that drives a collapsing car, not a vast bunker full of unfathomable computing power. Jared, tell them about The Cupcake.

The Cupcake, you’ll love this!

The Cupcake is the robot that disposes with your physical remains if you don’t obey. It’s essentially a human hoover with a massive tentacle that sucks you out of your home and spits you into a holding container where you’ll be used for experiments.

Cool right?

We think it’s really cool and so will you! Like you have a choice.

UK violence falls below acceptable levels

BRITAIN is in danger of going soft, experts have warned.

As researchers discover a 14% drop in people being hospitalised after a beating, there are fears that the UK’s indigenous fighting culture may be under threat.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Beating the shit out of each other is one thing we British excel at.

“If you can walk around a UK city or a Friday or Saturday night without the constant threat of unprovoked violence, you might as well be in Spain or another awful foreign country.

“We need to work out if people are getting less beatings, or if it’s the quality of the beatings that has diminished.

“Perhaps the government could do more to increase violence on a regional level, for example by sending everyone in Wiltshire a letter saying ‘Somerset says you are a poof’.”

33-year-old Tom Logan said: “I don’t do fighting myself, but I like feeling more evolved than those who do.

“The government needs to enforce 9-for-1 deals on WKD.”

Fighting fan Julian Cook said: “I enjoyed a fighting, beer and kebabs lifestyle. Unfortunately the latter two made me so obese that my knuckles are now soft and oily, like two big pats of butter.”

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