Prince William's Desert Island Discs

I’LL be so pleased when this whole wedding business is out of the way. I’ve never been quite sure why one needs to get married in the first place.

In fact, I still don’t really see why one even needs to have a girlfriend. Take Uncle Edward, he’s married and he spends the majority of his time shopping for furniture. Don’t get me wrong, women make great pals – I talk to Kate all the time about clothes and TV shows and my feelings.

My first record reminds me of a fantastic night a couple of years ago when my friend Seb took me to this club called Motherload. The atmosphere was fantastic and everyone was so friendly and full of energy. They played this brilliant record that night called Your Disco Needs You by Kylie Minogue. As the bass line pumped and pumped and pumped, I felt myself being carried away by the beat.

My grandfather recently told me that there are two things in life you should always remember. One – never be left alone with a Chinaman, and two – marriage is about sacrifices. Sure enough Kate is insisting I get rid of my favourite bodyguard, Serge. He used to be in the French Foreign Legion. I don’t know why, but Kate appears to be a bit jealous of our friendship, which is a shame because Serge is a very cool guy.

My second record is one of my all-time favourites and brings back some fabulous memories – it’s Go West by The Pet Shop Boys. It’s a happy, upbeat song that makes me want to dance all night and it’s also a great soundtrack for an intense work out with a mate.

After the wedding, it’ll be back to work. I love being in the armed forces. I’ve spent time in the Army, the Navy and now the RAF. I think I preferred the Navy. The camaraderie was very comforting. And there will no doubt be loads of pressure on me and ‘the Katester’ to have children. My father keeps stressing that this is ‘the whole point’ and that as soon as I get it over with I can ‘live life on my own terms’. I’m not sure he’s right about that bit. It would be nice, but somehow, I just don’t see it… 

My next choice is the The Trolley Song from Meet Me in St Louis. It’s a truly great performance from Judy Garland in one of my absolute favourite films – up there with My Fair Lady and Grease. As far as I’m concerned, Judy is a mega-legend. In some ways she reminds me of my Great Aunt Margaret, although I’m not sure Judy was quite as fond of black men.

For my book it would have to be Brideshead Revisited. There’s a very touching friendship at the heart of it and it’s mercifully free of gratuitous sex scenes. Who wants to read about some woman getting all excited in bed?

And for my luxury, I’d like the complete DVD boxed-set of Tom Cruise films. He’s a wonderful actor and I’ve always had this feeling that if we ever met we would become lifelong friends.

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One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

WHEN I first saw the Eddie Murphy film Coming to America, I remarked ‘A handsome prince and some silly student? Preposterous!’.

But here we are in 2011 realising for the first time that life truly does mimic art. And, as ever, I’m here to offer advice to those who might be stressing about the big day.

The biggest worry for most is what to wear on your head. Rumours abound that Sam Cam won’t wear a hat. This is worrying for everyone involved, especially God as he prefers ladies to wear hats or balaclavas when they are in his house.

And for Carla Bruni, the dilemma is even worse: God has recently set even stricter legislation about what French ladies can and can’t place on their heads. She understands correctly that cycle helmets and carnival masks are still acceptable and is working flat out to find something suitable. My good friend, Colin, went to Mardi-Gras wearing a really wonderful Ronald Reagan mask. It was a super accessory, but Carla must be careful not to upstage the bride.

Naturally, Harry will be dressed by fellow bachelor, Galliano. Everyone knows these remarks are too often taken out of context and surely we can now understand it was all in good fun. Whether it’s Harry’s ‘Pakis’ or Galliano’s ‘Jews’ – they’re all the same on the inside.

And of course the issue of ethincity bring us to the welcome decision to ringfence the number of ‘fiery redheads’. Knowing Sarah Ferguson like I do, I imagine she’ll be spitting teeth at drawing the short straw, but ultimately Sarah is stoic about the facts of life. Genes like hers are notoriously difficult to eradicate and the last thing Kate needs to see upon entering the church is a nightmarish throng of ‘Jimmy Hats’.

Kate’s exotic genes will be a welcome injection into William’s blood line after centuries of the ‘uncle-loving menace’. A shake up is long overdue and I for one can’t wait to see the royal eyes move back over into the correct position.

Of course, the biggest dilemma at a church wedding is whether to go with hymns or risk upsetting God with something by Gary Glitter or Elton John. Might I suggest my favourite He’s got the Whole World in His Hands? It literally has over a hundred verses and there aren’t many occasions where a song can be true of both God and the groom. I know William will especially enjoy the 27th verse ‘He’s got Saint Kitts and Nevis, in His hands!’. Even the Queen won’t be able to resist clapping along like some kind of jolly little Baptist.

Alternatively, Kate might want to perform a rendition of the Whitney ballad I Will Always Love You. My cousin had this at his wedding and what the bride lacked in pitch, she more than made up for with knowledge of the English language. At the key change there wasn’t a dry eye in the house and if Kate gives it a bit of welly, it’ll surely be the highlight of her magical day.

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